Where Has The Time Gone?!

We are almost 5 months out from surgery and it's going so fast.  I can't believe it's almost August and the end of summer.  I have to say, I'm excited for the next season of our lives.  This last one was rough.

Tim was laid off suddenly in April and we spent most of the summer with him jobless.  Talk about rough, it has been a financial nightmare.  We spent most of our savings after surgery to make up for my loss of wages while I was off work.  Luckily, Tim was able to get unemployment but we lost 2/3rds of his income.  On top of that, recovery has been difficult and I have been dealing with chronic pain from surgery.   It took a couple months to figure out a game plan and treatment and during that time I missed a lot of work.  It was not pretty or fun.  It was kick you in the balls rough.  Thank God for an amazing company that takes care of it's employees and a support system that helped us get through.  Tim is finally back to work now so we are looking forward to getting back on our feet. 

July has been especially hard for us.  On Independence Day, Tim's grandfather committed suicide.  He was 78 years young, had a wife, kids, grand kids, friends, and loved ones that were absolutely shocked and devastated.  To say this loss is unbearable is putting it mildly. Dee was very charismatic and always had stories to tell.  He kept you laughing.  No one had any idea that he was hurting. 

The very next day, Tim's mom was apprehended by police, for reasons we are still are not clear on, and placed on a mental hold in the hospital ever since.  (Completely unrelated to Dee's passing - just unfortunately close timing.)  Apparently she was in a neighboring town trying to sell her dog and somehow ended up in the middle of a traffic accident that had happened.  She wasn't moving for emergency responding vehicles, was driving erratically, and appeared very anxious and confused.  She wouldn't stop for police at first and then when she finally did, they said she became aggressive and tried to fight them off of her.  They thought initially she was intoxicated but she just has underlying issues.  We've been dealing with these issues for a while and the family has been trying to seek help for her.  She just went about it her own way apparently.  She's been there every since and we've been working with social workers and behavioral therapists to figure out a care plan for her. 

With everything that's been going on, it seems like we've just struggled to keep our heads above water. We don't really know how to deal with the situation at hand so we are literally taking it a day at a time.  We try to spend as much time as we can with our girls and making the most of the summer as we can for them.  We've been able to walk, fish, swim, and go to the zoo on the regular. Our eating has changed despite all that has been going on.  We pack lunches and snacks now instead of eating out when we aren't home.  It saves us money we don't have but we also eat better because of it.  We also have tried to incorporate intermittent fasting and only during a specific window of time.  It was working really well but here recently I've started snacking more.  I justified it because it was all clean food but it was mindless eating - and it showed in my stalls and the fluctuating weight.  It's strange because my MO is emotional binge eating.  I would eat for that satiated "full" feeling.  Now I can't.  I never get that "full" feeling.  If I eat too much it's painful so I don't ever over eat.  But I can snack and I recognized that I've been snacking to compensate for what has been going on.  I needed to find another outlet - like blogging, reading, walking, etc. 

I love to blog, but every time I would sit down to do so, I didn't know what to say.  It almost seemed dishonorable to talk about the good stuff while so much bad has been going on.  The truth is, we've managed to have good moments despite all the bad.  Tim is successfully losing weight and I have reached over 100lbs lost. God, that feels good saying that.  100 pounds seemed like so far away and never attainable.  It's insane to think that I've actually lost it.  And it's fucking hard.  Every day I have to make conscious choices to not put crap food in my mouth. We don't hold our children to the same strict standards that we do ourselves so we allow them to still eat carbs in moderation.  They get ice cream occasionally and I make them sandwiches.  I have to make sure I am not snacking on their food regularly. 

Tim and I completed a mud run that was 5.2 miles and had 79 obstacles.  I did 73 of the 79 obstacles and I finished that run.  I ended up with blisters halfway through so I finished that sucker barefoot. Gotta love my man who, in a show of solidarity, finished it with me barefoot.  He has been my number one supporter this entire journey and has completely changed his life around to match me.  These last few months have been especially hard for him.  He's felt lost after losing his job and struggled to find something else.  He's heartbroken over Dee's passing and his mom being institutionalized but he's remained my rock through it all.  He hasn't deviated from our goals and he's pushed me to better myself along the way.  I truly would not be as successful as I have been without this man by my side.  I'm thankful he's my partner through it all.

We've had a lot going on but we've been doing okay through it all.  We are excited for fall and the fun things that come with it, like pumpkin farms and Halloween.  It's going to be interesting not falling into the trap of "Pumpkin Spice" everything this year but I determined to do it!  I'm also excited for long sleeves and jeans!!!  Never thought I'd be saying that, but when your clothes fit better it feels good to actually wear pants.  Of course, I need to buy some because I everything I have is too big!  What a problem to have, haha.

We miss you Papa Dee


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