Wednesday, July 22, 2015
My weight this morning was 328.6.
So far, I've gained back 4.4 pounds of the 13 that I had lost in the last week and a half. Talk about upsetting! That is definitely not the direction I wanted to be going and what's worse is that I can't figure out why this is happening and I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure it out. I've been regularly active - lots of walking with some occasional weight lifting. My eating has even been going well. We are still meal planning and prepping so that Tim and I can eat early and the things we've been eating have been really healthy. Lots of whole foods with no preservatives and no sugars. I have been eating fats but in small quantities and only good fats like nuts and avocados. All of my fruits I eat as early in the day as possible and I usually only have about 2 servings of fruits (just because my sugar is still slightly elevated).
For the life of me, I still have no idea what happened or why I have gained weight. Someone told me recently that it could be period related (sorry guys!) and that women tend to gain weight a week or so before they start menstruating. My periods are so irregular though due to PCOS that I have no idea if I'm due to start anytime soon. I guess we'll just have to wait and see.
If I'm being honest, this week was probably one of the most frustrating weeks for me. I've never plateaued like this before. In the past, if I gained weight it was because I wasn't eating accordingly. If I ate right and stayed active the weight would fall off every time. So this time around, when I was sticking to the plan and the weight didn't come off, I got super upset. In my mind, here I am giving up fast food restaurants, bbq, candy, and all the other junk to really make a change and it seemed like it was all for nothing. I was seriously tempted to blow it all to hell and just eat what I want. It didn't help that my work brought in some kind of food for the center every day from candy to Root beer floats. My own mood plus all the temptations around me made it extremely difficult to stay on track. I'll be honest, some days I did great and some days it was down right impossible. I stayed strong and didn't have the root beer floats but I gave in the next day and ate a sliver of cake.
Let's be real here. This thing we're doing, trying to change a lifetime of bad habits, can be mentally challenging. This week was one of the hardest because I was going through withdrawals from preservatives, and all the other addictive crap that's in the foods most of us Americans consume, and then add in the fact that I was frustrated and it made for a very long week. I honestly thought about giving up over 100 times.
But then something happened. I got in a fight, and I mean a screaming fight, with Tim. I think he'd finally had enough of me moping around and mourning the foods I used to eat. You see, food for me was my friend - as sad as that is. It's what I turn to when I'm sad, happy, or need some comfort - and it's always been there for me. So giving up the drive thru's, pastries, and deep fried food seriously made me sad and depressed. On top of that, gaining back the weight I had struggled to lose made it seemed impossible and deeply frustrating. Getting in a fight with Tim really helped me realize what was really bothering me. He couldn't understand why I was so upset that I couldn't order a pizza or eat a cookie. I had to think about how I feeling and explain it to him so he could understand. In doing so, I was able to come to grips with my emotions.
I've come to realize that I tend to concentrate on all the negative and focus on what I'm giving up to become healthy. I see other people eating pizza, tacos, ice cream, macaroni and cheese and all I think about is how unfair it is that I can't eat those things. I think about how much weight I have to lose and long it will take me. I get stressed out because I have to learn a whole new way of cooking and preparing meals. I get upset and start to feel defeated because I don't know what to do at the gym and I get overwhelmed thinking about which order I need to workout in. It's ALL negative thinking. Tim made me realize that I have to stop that negativity right now. All I have to show for it is a burning gut and disappointment. I need to start concentrating on the positives - like the fact that I'll be able to ride horses, roller coasters, and sit in a booth. As corny as it sounds, I need to start telling myself that I CAN do this and I can make it to my goal weight. I need to start talking positively to myself and thinking about what I'm gaining instead of giving up. I know that this principle is the lighthouse in the dark for anyone who has successfully lost their weight. I also know that in order for me to be successful I have to start applying this to my own life otherwise I'm going to give up before I get started.
If you're in the same boat, don't give in. I know we can do this and that it is possible to get healthy. We can get there together.