Sunday, July 26, 2015

Weekend High's and Low's

Oh man what a crazy weekend this has been.  Friday morning started out great.  I weighed in and I had officially lost the weight I had gained the previous week plus dropped another pound which put me at 14 pounds down.  Tim and I also got up at five and went to the gym and killed our leg workout.  Well, we actually just killed our legs.  Walking down the stairs after was a fun experience, haha.  I actually went to work pretty pumped and feeling good, finally, about where I was.  I was even excited about the lunch and dinner Tim and I had packed.  It was going to taste so good!  And it was healthy. 

When I got to work I put my stuff down at my desk, grabbed my lunch box, and headed to the break room to put my food in the fridge.  When I opened the door to the break room, there was a whole counter full of chocolate dishes including cake, fudge, brownies, cookies, and anything else you could think of.  It literally was like being sucker punched - I was so not expecting to see that.  Now normally I would grab a plate and take a piece of everything thing there.  At that particular moment, all I could do was stare.  Immediately people kept trying to pawn these sweets off on me.  I said no, which was incredibly hard for me to do, and just concentrated on putting my lunch away and getting my ice water.  I made the mistake of sitting down at a table and this woman I work with brought me a piece of cake.  Literally she kept shoving it in my face and trying to tell me that I could have just a little piece and I would be fine.  Our activity committee had put up flyers for people to bring in dishes for the call center to judge and the winner would win a price.  So this lady was trying to get as many people as possible to eat her cake so she could get them to vote.  I ate the freaking cake.  Plus a brownie.  Plus white chocolate drizzled popcorn.  Oh my gosh, I seriously couldn't say no anymore.

Then, we had to do some training so the managers pulled about 15 people off the phones, myself included, and put us in this tiny training room that was standing room only by the time we all got in there.  Then they brought in pizza for us.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to resist eating one of your favorite foods when you are stuck in a small room and literally every person surrounding you is eating pizza?  It was damn impossible.  So I ate the freaking pizza.

When I left work, I was so angry with myself and my work.  Ultimately it's up to me to have the willpower to say no -  but they don't make things easy on a fat kid.  Holey Moley.  Really I was more disappointed that I had felt so good and accomplished on my way to work and it was all ruined within the first five minutes of me being there.  It probably wouldn't have been that bad if I had stuck to one slice of pizza and one chocolate item - But I couldn't.  I ate the first one and I couldn't keep myself from eating more.  This is why I don't allow myself to have cheat days.  Because I have no self control when it comes to eating sweets and things like that.  I beat myself up pretty good about this whole situation but then I realized that it was one day.  That one day doesn't set the rest of my life and I could make tomorrow a better one.  And I did.

That Friday night, actually about two Saturday morning, my cousin Zac and his fiance Haley came up from Utah to visit.  We always have such a blast when we get together so when he called and told me they were planning on coming up I was really excited.  We fit as much fun into this weekend as we could.

We mostly spent time catching up, and getting excited because Zac and Haley are newly engaged.  Saturday we also went floating the Boise river.  It was about a three hour float but we had such a blast.  My legs were so sore though from our workout the day before and then all the paddling we did made my arms just as sore today.  I seriously had no idea just how hard it would be - it's a lot of work.  I actually ended up getting a rash on my arms from the tube.  Saturday was hot out and it felt so good to be out and in the water.  We were all so beat by the time we got done that we pretty much came home and crashed.

Zac's Just going to love me for this!  Haha

 LOL, I don't know what's up with his facial expressions.

Today was just your typical Sunday morning.  We just kinda took it easy this morning before bidding farewell to my cousins so they could head home.  Then it was just life back to normal.  We did some grocery shopping, meal prepping, and the ever fun laundry.

The best news, however, is that even with the binging on Friday I lost another 3 pounds so now I'm down a total of 17!!  Only three more pounds until I'm down 20.  I cannot wait for that first milestone.  This time around, this journey has been a struggle.  I'm still here, standing strong, and pushing forward.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015


My weight this morning was 328.6.

So far, I've gained back 4.4 pounds of the 13 that I had lost in the last week and a half.  Talk about upsetting!  That is definitely not the direction I wanted to be going and what's worse is that I can't figure out why this is happening and I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure it out.  I've been regularly active - lots of walking with some occasional weight lifting.  My eating has even been going well.  We are still meal planning and prepping so that Tim and I can eat early and the things we've been eating have been really healthy.  Lots of whole foods with no preservatives and no sugars.  I have been eating fats but in small quantities and only good fats like nuts and avocados.  All of my fruits I eat as early in the day as possible and I usually only have about 2 servings of fruits (just because my sugar is still slightly elevated).

For the life of me, I still have no idea what happened or why I have gained weight.  Someone told me recently that it could be period related (sorry guys!) and that women tend to gain weight a week or so before they start menstruating.  My periods are so irregular though due to PCOS that I have no idea if I'm due to start anytime soon.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

If I'm being honest, this week was probably one of the most frustrating weeks for me.  I've never plateaued like this before.  In the past, if I gained weight it was because I wasn't eating accordingly.  If I ate right and stayed active the weight would fall off every time.  So this time around, when I was sticking to the plan and the weight didn't come off, I got super upset.  In my mind, here I am giving up fast food restaurants, bbq, candy, and all the other junk to really make a change and it seemed like it was all for nothing.  I was seriously tempted to blow it all to hell and just eat what I want.  It didn't help that my work brought in some kind of food for the center every day from candy to Root beer floats.  My own mood plus all the temptations around me made it extremely difficult to stay on track.  I'll be honest, some days I did great and some days it was down right impossible.  I stayed strong and didn't have the root beer floats but I gave in the next day and ate a sliver of cake.      

Let's be real here.  This thing we're doing, trying to change a lifetime of bad habits, can be mentally challenging.  This week was one of the hardest because I was going through withdrawals from preservatives, and all the other addictive crap that's in the foods most of us Americans consume, and then add in the fact that I was frustrated and it made for a very long week.  I honestly thought about giving up over 100 times.  

But then something happened.  I got in a fight, and I mean a screaming fight, with Tim.  I think he'd finally had enough of me moping around and mourning the foods I used to eat.  You see, food for me was my friend - as sad as that is.  It's what I turn to when I'm sad, happy, or need some comfort - and it's always been there for me.  So giving up the drive thru's, pastries, and deep fried food seriously made me sad and depressed.  On top of that, gaining back the weight I had struggled to lose made it seemed impossible and deeply frustrating.  Getting in a fight with Tim really helped me realize what was really bothering me.  He couldn't understand why I was so upset that I couldn't order a pizza or eat a cookie.  I had to think about how I feeling and explain it to him so he could understand.  In doing so, I was able to come to grips with my emotions. 

I've come to realize that I tend to concentrate on all the negative and focus on what I'm giving up to become healthy.  I see other people eating pizza, tacos, ice cream, macaroni and cheese and all I think about is how unfair it is that I can't eat those things.  I think about how much weight I have to lose and long it will take me.  I get stressed out because I have to learn a whole new way of cooking and preparing meals.  I get upset and start to feel defeated because I don't know what to do at the gym and I get overwhelmed thinking about which order I need to workout in.  It's ALL negative thinking.  Tim made me realize that I have to stop that negativity right now.  All I have to show for it is a burning gut and disappointment.  I need to start concentrating on the positives - like the fact that I'll be able to ride horses, roller coasters, and sit in a booth.  As corny as it sounds, I need to start telling myself that I CAN do this and I can make it to my goal weight.  I need to start talking positively to myself and thinking about what I'm gaining instead of giving up.  I know that this principle is the lighthouse in the dark for anyone who has successfully lost their weight.  I also know that in order for me to be successful I have to start applying this to my own life otherwise I'm going to give up before I get started.

If you're in the same boat, don't give in.  I know we can do this and that it is possible to get healthy.  We can get there together.

Monday, July 13, 2015

10 Day Update

13 pounds down so far!  Sqeeeeee!!!  I forgot how nice it feels to be losing weight and how much excitement it brings to step on the scale and see another pound lost.  It gives me all kinds of motivation to see my weight dropping!

The meal planning and prepping has been a huge success and, again, I’m not sure why I haven’t done this before.  Tim and I spend Sundays, because that’s our only day off together, doing our grocery shopping and prepping.  We usually try and prep at least until Wednesday because he has that day off to finish up the rest of the week.  Our meals are pretty simple so it’s usually not too bad to prep it all out – the worst part is finding room in the fridge.  The only meal we don’t prep is breakfast – just because it’s usually half a cup of yogurt and a banana, oatmeal, or 2 eggs and a piece of dry, whole grain toast.  Meal prepping in advance has afforded us our evenings to do whatever we want because we don’t have to spend time cooking, or in our case, waiting in a restaurant because we are too tired to cook.  It’s been SOOO NICE coming home and not worrying about cooking anything.  It’s also allowed us to eat much earlier.  We were eating around 9-9:30 which was so late that even eating a healthy meal wasn’t doing anything for us.  Now we take lunch and dinner to work and we eat no later than six.  It’s been working out so much better for us.  If you’re not already meal prepping – give it a try!  It is so worth it.
We’ve also been getting up at five and heading to the gym in the morning.  I’ll be the first to admit that some days, it just didn’t happen.  It’s been an adjustment trying to get up that early when my body is normally used to getting up at 8am (at the earliest).  The secondary struggle is that when we do make it, I’m wearing out pretty quickly.  Tim is all excited to weight lift because he wants to bulk up but he’s also in much better shape than I am.  I’m going to have to go much slower which is, honestly, quite frustrating.  I’ve backpedaled quite a bit compared to where I was when I was working out with the trainers.  I know I can get there again – I just have to start from the beginning.

I wish I could say that I’ve had no sugar cravings and that so far resisting the cravings has been a breeze.  The truth is that some days it’s royally sucked.  I’ve cried and raged at the fact that I just can’t eat whatever I want to.  It’s been really hard and I’ve honestly stuck pretty close to home because it’s too tempting to drive down the street.  Here’s a fun fact:  Women with PCOS have a harder time with cravings because this disease makes you want sweets more than a woman without PCOS.  Add the fact that our hormones are all out of whack and it just makes the whole situation better.  I know it can be done, because I’ve done it before, but it just takes some time to adjust again.  Tim has been my rudder and when I find myself faltering – he’s right there to steer me out of it.  My family and friends also know what my weaknesses are and are super willing to help me out.  They don’t put me in tempting situations and help me to stay strong when I am in crazy situations.  For instance, in a particularly weak moment, I bought some cookies out of the vending machine at work.  I told my co-worker about it before I ate the cookies and she got rid of them for me. 
I’m still down 13 pounds and I’m going strong even though sometimes my cravings have gotten the better of me.  I’m human and that means I’m not perfect.  But I can tell you that each day gets better and a little bit easier.  I still struggle sometimes but I’m slowly finding the balance and pretty soon it’ll be second nature.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Here We Go Again

I’ve said it before, and no doubt I’ll say it again, but I’m starting over.  Sadly, it’s been more than a year since I’ve stopped caring about myself and I’ve gained back every pound that I lost plus 10 more.  I stopped working out and I stopped caring about what I ate and it absolutely shows.  I’ve been waffling back forth about getting healthy this whole time.  All these fluffy blog posts about how “now is the time” and “this time I’m doing things different” and yada, yada.  In reality, it was all bullshit.  I wasn’t ready to get back to it.  Knowing how much work I’ve got to put in to make a genuine lifestyle change wore me out before I even got started.  I was totally demotivated, depressed, and just discouraged to continue and at some point I just gave up.

Lately, a lot of thought has been going into what kind of future I want.  I know, and have known, that staying on this path is going to severely decrease my quality of life.  I know that there will be serious medical issues in the future if I don’t get it under control now – especially since I’m diabetic and my blood sugar has been out of control.  Tim and I have also been talking about what kind of a future we want together – whether that involves having children, traveling, or just doing small things like going on hikes or whatever.  Those things, while not impossible, are much harder and more difficult while being obese.  

The truth is, my reasons for wanting a healthier life have not changed.  If anything, I have more reasons to get healthy than I did before.  The only that had changed was not having any motivation to make any changes.  I knew this time around, if I was actually going to be serious, that I couldn’t start because I was excited and it was something new.  I would actually have to make the decision to just do and then push through all of the doubt, or self-deprecation, or whatever it was holding me back.  This time it would have to be sheer will that gets me through it. 

So, I made a decision.  I decided that I couldn’t continue living my life this way and, no matter what, I was going to change it.  I started a week ago.  I’ve waited to write anything, or tell my family or friends, what I’m doing because I wanted to make sure that I was actually going to follow through.  That first week is always the hardest for me and that’s usually when I cave and give up.  I start out good the first couple of days but by the end of the week I’m at Taco Bell in the drive-thru ordering six tacos and two burritos.  I didn’t want to write another bullshit post – I wanted it to be legit.
We are currently on day Five and so far we’ve been doing really well.  We set some goals when we started – things like making a meal plan, prepping our meals in advance, getting up and doing something active before work, and eating whole/unprocessed foods.  We’ve hit all of those goals so far.  It’s important to me that these changes are things that I can continue to do for the rest of my life.  I didn’t want this to be about starting a new diet, like HCG, because those don’t work for me long term.  So, I set goals in mind that would help me through the hard stuff and make it possible to succeed.  The key for me is the meal planning and prepping.  Having my meals and eating at work has been a huge factor in how successful we’ve been so far.  I know that I won’t go to the gym or want to cook after work so I just get it all done before hand.  Plus I’m not eating late and then going straight to bed.

All of the being said, to truly start over I have to re-post pictures of what I look like and what my weight and measurements are now.  This was a lot harder for me to do this time than it was the first time.  The first time going in I was pumped because I was motivated and knew my body was going to change.  I still know those things, but posting these photos now is admitting out loud that I failed.  It, honestly, makes me ashamed when I look at these pictures.  Anyway, here they are.  Please be kind in your comments – I’m beating myself up enough as is. 

Neck:   17.0
Right Bicep:  18.5
Left Bicep:  18
Bust:  55.5
Waist:  66.0
Hips:  59.0
Right Thigh:  29.5
Left Thigh:  28
Right Calf:  20.0
Left Calf:  20.0
Starting Weight - 337.2                       Current Weight - 327.2