Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Truth About Self - Loathing

This week I've hit a rough patch.  You might think that means I've been in binging mode and I've eaten a lot of crap or I've been sitting on the couch in front of the TV and NOT going to the gym like I should.  You would be incorrect.  This particular rough patch is all about self-loathing.  Lately, I can't seem to get past how much I loath myself.

All week long I've been beating myself up over and over and over again for not sticking with my weight loss.  I get so pissed at myself because I was doing it.  I was on the downward track and my weight was melting off.  I felt good, I felt strong, and most of all I felt confidant.  Than I just gave up.  I don't know if it was one specific thing that happened or the whole cluster but I inevitably just quit.  And guess what - I've gained every single pond back.  I worked my butt off to lose 60 pounds.  I put my blood, sweat, and several tears into each pound that came off.  And then I threw it all the away.

I've been having lots of trouble getting past that - past the fact that I have no one else to blame but myself.  I've really been struggling and hating myself for it.  Today was the icing on top of my self-loathing cake.  I've really outgrown my clothes, because I gave away all my fat clothes and then gained a bunch of weight, so I am in desperate need of some clothing.  I've really been putting it off but I know that I'm going to be going from a size XL shirt back up to a size 4X.  But I basically ran out of options.  So anyway, there I was in the store trying to find a shirt that would cover all my rolls and IT WAS NOT WORKING.  They was no mistaking what I was trying to hide under my shirt.  I got extremely upset and very emotional looking at just how bad my body has become.  I came home and just started bawling.  I realized that my body is the consequences for the choice I made to give up and that devastated me.

Here's the problem though.  No matter how much I hate myself, how much I regret not sticking with the plan, I cannot change a damn thing.  I can't jump in a time machine and go back and do it all over again.  I can't make myself stick with the workouts and the menu plans.  So whether I want to or not - time is still passing and we are all still moving forward.  The difference is, I can wallow in what if's and should have's or I can get up and start fresh right now.  I can be proud that when it's all said and done that I failed but I got back up and finished it.  NO amount of self - loathing and hatred is going to change a single thing. 

I have some truly amazing people in my life and they told me two things.  First, true beauty is measured by what is on the inside and not the outside - and I AM beautiful.  Beauty is not something I normally equate to myself so this was surprising to me.  Secondly, no amount of self-loathing or hating myself is going to change what happened so I need accept that it did. Again, this was a surprise.  Why the heck would I want to accept that I failed?  But I realized this statement was true.  I will never be able to move on from the past unless I accept that it happened and make the necessary changes to live a healthy life.

The truth about self-loathing is this:  It will never get you anywhere but stuck. 

Don't get sucked into this cycle.  Love yourself enough to let it go and move on.  At this point, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I have to own both choices.  Now, going forward, I can make different choices and have a different outcome.  Love yourself enough to do the same.   


Side note.  In no way are my feelings, thoughts, or impressions reflections on anyone else but myself.  This post is strictly how I feel about myself and my situation. 

4 comments:

  1. Hey you, don't give up!!! I too have gained back some weight, it feels like I went into a time warp and woke up 20+ pounds heavier. Why? The no-fair part about it is that it's not like I just went back to my old habits, I just let a few things sneak in, and bingo! I had to move up a few sizes. It's hard, it's terribly hard. But it is totally and completely worth the struggle, to feel better and have more energy and be healthier. I know exactly what you mean about the self-loathing...don't let those thoughts take root. Just say NO, and stick to it. I don't know you in real life, but I know you are a lovely girl. Don't give up.

    Della

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    1. You are right about the hard part! I'm certainly not giving in though because I want it to bad to let those thoughts take root! I deserve to be happy and healthy and not miserable! You do too! I know we can do this!

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  2. Keep working hard, you can do it. I have those feeling about myself as well, I think it's part of satan trying to tear us down. Just remember that you are a Child of Godzilla, and he loves you!!!
    Love you Nea

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    1. Thanks Melissa! Believe it or not, but that thought gives me comfort. I know when I'm having those moments of loathing towards myself that I have an awesome god that loves me no matter what I look like! It's a comfort knowing that someone is always in my corner. Love you too!

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