All week long I've been beating myself up over and over and over again for not sticking with my weight loss. I get so pissed at myself because I was doing it. I was on the downward track and my weight was melting off. I felt good, I felt strong, and most of all I felt confidant. Than I just gave up. I don't know if it was one specific thing that happened or the whole cluster but I inevitably just quit. And guess what - I've gained every single pond back. I worked my butt off to lose 60 pounds. I put my blood, sweat, and several tears into each pound that came off. And then I threw it all the away.
I've been having lots of trouble getting past that - past the fact that I have no one else to blame but myself. I've really been struggling and hating myself for it. Today was the icing on top of my self-loathing cake. I've really outgrown my clothes, because I gave away all my fat clothes and then gained a bunch of weight, so I am in desperate need of some clothing. I've really been putting it off but I know that I'm going to be going from a size XL shirt back up to a size 4X. But I basically ran out of options. So anyway, there I was in the store trying to find a shirt that would cover all my rolls and IT WAS NOT WORKING. They was no mistaking what I was trying to hide under my shirt. I got extremely upset and very emotional looking at just how bad my body has become. I came home and just started bawling. I realized that my body is the consequences for the choice I made to give up and that devastated me.
Here's the problem though. No matter how much I hate myself, how much I regret not sticking with the plan, I cannot change a damn thing. I can't jump in a time machine and go back and do it all over again. I can't make myself stick with the workouts and the menu plans. So whether I want to or not - time is still passing and we are all still moving forward. The difference is, I can wallow in what if's and should have's or I can get up and start fresh right now. I can be proud that when it's all said and done that I failed but I got back up and finished it. NO amount of self - loathing and hatred is going to change a single thing.
I have some truly amazing people in my life and they told me two things. First, true beauty is measured by what is on the inside and not the outside - and I AM beautiful. Beauty is not something I normally equate to myself so this was surprising to me. Secondly, no amount of self-loathing or hating myself is going to change what happened so I need accept that it did. Again, this was a surprise. Why the heck would I want to accept that I failed? But I realized this statement was true. I will never be able to move on from the past unless I accept that it happened and make the necessary changes to live a healthy life.
The truth about self-loathing is this: It will never get you anywhere but stuck.
Don't get sucked into this cycle. Love yourself enough to let it go and move on. At this point, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I have to own both choices. Now, going forward, I can make different choices and have a different outcome. Love yourself enough to do the same.
Side note. In no way are my feelings, thoughts, or impressions reflections on anyone else but myself. This post is strictly how I feel about myself and my situation.