Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Weekend In McCall

This weekend we decided to get away from home for a bit so we drove about three hours away to a small city called McCall.  Every year, McCall hosts a winter carnival where different businesses build these gigantic snow sculptures.  If you ever get the chance to go than make sure you do, it really is an amazing sight to see.  Anyway, Tim and I decided to head up on Saturday to see the winter carnival and we wanted to check out a possible wedding venue while we were up there.

Tim had to work for part of the morning so we headed up as soon as he got off.  The drive from Boise to McCall is literally straight through the mountains and it’s an amazing drive.  I love seeing all the pine trees and the rivers as we drove by.  Even the air was much cleaner and so we rolled down the windows and just breathed it all in.    There was still snow on the ground in some parts so it just made for a very pretty and peaceful drive. 

We were pretty excited to see all the ice sculptures but it turns out that this weekend was record breaking for Idaho.  The temperature ended up being in the sixties.  So, if you can imagine, the ice sculptures were all melted and barely distinguishable!  I did get some very interesting pictures of some giant lumps of snow though.  We weren’t all that disappointed because there was so much else going on and so many different things to see that we kept busy the whole time we were there.

This is the only picture I got.  It's supposed to be the star wars characters.

The wedding venue we wanted to look at was The Shore Lodge.  It sits right on the lake and has the most amazing view.  You literally get married lake side with the mountains in the background.   The lodge was beautiful and it was pretty inclusive.  They provide all the food, beverage, chairs, linens, dinnerware, and cutlery.  It saves so much expense.  They have two separate rooms – one for the ceremony and dancing and then one for dinner.  They are both gorgeous.  We were very impressed with the cost and all the amenities the venue came with.  I think it’s a serious contender but we’re still looking around for other possibilities. 

We ended the night with a firework show out over the lake.  It was pretty awesome but I didn't get any pictures because it started to rain and it got pretty cold out.  We bundled up and snuggled to stay warm.  After the fireworks we drove back home.  I can't wait until summer is here.  We had such a blast we plan on going back up this summer.    

Sunday was just a pretty average day.  We spent some much needed time with my mother and Tim's mother and then we went and got our weekly grocery shopping out of the way.  Nothing too strenuous.  It was a pretty great weekend though.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Truth About Self - Loathing

This week I've hit a rough patch.  You might think that means I've been in binging mode and I've eaten a lot of crap or I've been sitting on the couch in front of the TV and NOT going to the gym like I should.  You would be incorrect.  This particular rough patch is all about self-loathing.  Lately, I can't seem to get past how much I loath myself.

All week long I've been beating myself up over and over and over again for not sticking with my weight loss.  I get so pissed at myself because I was doing it.  I was on the downward track and my weight was melting off.  I felt good, I felt strong, and most of all I felt confidant.  Than I just gave up.  I don't know if it was one specific thing that happened or the whole cluster but I inevitably just quit.  And guess what - I've gained every single pond back.  I worked my butt off to lose 60 pounds.  I put my blood, sweat, and several tears into each pound that came off.  And then I threw it all the away.

I've been having lots of trouble getting past that - past the fact that I have no one else to blame but myself.  I've really been struggling and hating myself for it.  Today was the icing on top of my self-loathing cake.  I've really outgrown my clothes, because I gave away all my fat clothes and then gained a bunch of weight, so I am in desperate need of some clothing.  I've really been putting it off but I know that I'm going to be going from a size XL shirt back up to a size 4X.  But I basically ran out of options.  So anyway, there I was in the store trying to find a shirt that would cover all my rolls and IT WAS NOT WORKING.  They was no mistaking what I was trying to hide under my shirt.  I got extremely upset and very emotional looking at just how bad my body has become.  I came home and just started bawling.  I realized that my body is the consequences for the choice I made to give up and that devastated me.

Here's the problem though.  No matter how much I hate myself, how much I regret not sticking with the plan, I cannot change a damn thing.  I can't jump in a time machine and go back and do it all over again.  I can't make myself stick with the workouts and the menu plans.  So whether I want to or not - time is still passing and we are all still moving forward.  The difference is, I can wallow in what if's and should have's or I can get up and start fresh right now.  I can be proud that when it's all said and done that I failed but I got back up and finished it.  NO amount of self - loathing and hatred is going to change a single thing. 

I have some truly amazing people in my life and they told me two things.  First, true beauty is measured by what is on the inside and not the outside - and I AM beautiful.  Beauty is not something I normally equate to myself so this was surprising to me.  Secondly, no amount of self-loathing or hating myself is going to change what happened so I need accept that it did. Again, this was a surprise.  Why the heck would I want to accept that I failed?  But I realized this statement was true.  I will never be able to move on from the past unless I accept that it happened and make the necessary changes to live a healthy life.

The truth about self-loathing is this:  It will never get you anywhere but stuck. 

Don't get sucked into this cycle.  Love yourself enough to let it go and move on.  At this point, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I have to own both choices.  Now, going forward, I can make different choices and have a different outcome.  Love yourself enough to do the same.   

Side note.  In no way are my feelings, thoughts, or impressions reflections on anyone else but myself.  This post is strictly how I feel about myself and my situation. 

Monday, February 2, 2015

What's Different This Time Around?

There are so many differences this time around compared to when I started HCG.  The first and foremost change is that I'm not weighing myself.  I know when I decided to start over I was weighing in around 330lbs.  That's a weight gain of all the weight I lost plus four pounds.  Ugh.  The point is, I wanted I starting weight so I could keep track of my weight.  This time, I didn't want to make my focus about losing weight.  That didn't work for me before, and in fact, I just ended getting so upset with myself if I wasn't losing fast enough that I would binge eat.  Not very effective at all.

This time around, the scale is under the bathroom cupboard and that's where it stays.  I have absolutely no idea if what I've been doing is effective or not.  I don't know if I've lost weight and I really don't care.  I want to keep track monthly just to make sure I'm on the right track but that's the end of it. 

For a brief, brief moment I joined a weight watchers group at work.  I think the concept of WW is wonderful, and if that's what works for you then that is awesome.  I hated every minute of it.  I found that every week during weigh in I was dreading what the scale said.  It didn't matter if I had ate super clean and healthy the whole week or if I had worked out for three hours every day - if that scale didn't show a drop the WW leader was all over me about it.  HEAVEN FORBID if I had actually gained.  I know she was probably trying to be supportive but that just didn't work for me.  I was more depressed when I decided to quit than when I started.  So - no scale.   

Secondly, my main goal this time around is to cook every meal at home.  I know that seems like a no brainer but in all reality - that's super hard for me.  I work long hours and when I add gym time to it some days the last thing I want to do is come home and cook.  I've been doing it anyway.  And I've made some freaking delicious meals. 

Sometimes I honestly don't know what I'm doing.  I worry that I'm not getting enough fruits or veggies or that I'm lacking in protein.  Then there's that fiber stuff - am I supposed to be worrying about that?  Yeah, I've got no freaking clue.  What I do know, is that I'm eating low carb and low fat.  And I'm doing a lot of research in between!  Also, my crock-pot has become my best friend.  I can't tell you how much I love cooking in that sucker - especially on my really long days!  Coming home to dinner already made is such a blessing, haha.  And usually the prep time in the morning isn't too bad. 

Simple things, but I'm finding that they've been really effective so far.  I've stuck to my plan and we've become regulars at our gym.  I've even started to meet new people.  This week, we are trying out morning workouts versus going at night after work.  Five A.M. sure comes early so we'll see how well that goes.  Right now, it's basically about trial and error.