Saturday, August 15, 2015

Finding The Balance

These last two weeks have been absolutely insane.  Time management went completely out the window and I feel like we've seriously just been walking around like Zombies.  Tim and I have been running from dawn to dusk every day - seven days a week. 

My work recently converted to a whole new billing system so we ha to move all of our customers to the new system.  I've been working a ton of overtime and work has been super stressful.  I work for a huge utility company and it has been quite the process.  We started using the new system the first week of August and we are still working out all the kinks.  The worst part about this conversion is that my work has catered in food for us almost every week.  And not a single bit of it has been healthy. Donuts, loaded mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, pasta, sweets - you name it.  It has been killing me.  I had lost 20 pounds but in the last two wees I've gained back 3 pounds and it has stuck. 

It doesn't help that we haven't been able to hit the gym.  Last weekend we were out riding horses at Tim's mom's house and he had an accident and fell off the horse.  His horse got spooked by another horse and she jumped one way and he went the opposite way.  We ended up spending the night in the ER to make sure he didn't break anything.  He bruised his hip bone pretty good though so he's been ordered to take it easy while it recovers.  Between everything going on with work and Tim's accident we just haven't been able to be very active.  I've actually really missed going - it gave me a serious energy bump during the day.

This next week is going to be the calm before the storm hits.  It's our last week before I head back to school fulltime, while I'm still working full time.  On top of that, my uncle is coming in from Wisconsin the same week I start school, which I am thrilled about, but it's going to be crazy insane for a little bit.  I'm actually getting a bit nervous about all the things going on as I'm not sure how I'm going to manage all of it.  I have to fit in school, work, the gym, and still find time for my personal life.  It's going to be interesting. 

We'll figure it all out eventually but it's going to be interesting trying to find the balance in the meantime.  Any advice would sure be appreciated!

Sunday, July 26, 2015

Weekend High's and Low's

Oh man what a crazy weekend this has been.  Friday morning started out great.  I weighed in and I had officially lost the weight I had gained the previous week plus dropped another pound which put me at 14 pounds down.  Tim and I also got up at five and went to the gym and killed our leg workout.  Well, we actually just killed our legs.  Walking down the stairs after was a fun experience, haha.  I actually went to work pretty pumped and feeling good, finally, about where I was.  I was even excited about the lunch and dinner Tim and I had packed.  It was going to taste so good!  And it was healthy. 

When I got to work I put my stuff down at my desk, grabbed my lunch box, and headed to the break room to put my food in the fridge.  When I opened the door to the break room, there was a whole counter full of chocolate dishes including cake, fudge, brownies, cookies, and anything else you could think of.  It literally was like being sucker punched - I was so not expecting to see that.  Now normally I would grab a plate and take a piece of everything thing there.  At that particular moment, all I could do was stare.  Immediately people kept trying to pawn these sweets off on me.  I said no, which was incredibly hard for me to do, and just concentrated on putting my lunch away and getting my ice water.  I made the mistake of sitting down at a table and this woman I work with brought me a piece of cake.  Literally she kept shoving it in my face and trying to tell me that I could have just a little piece and I would be fine.  Our activity committee had put up flyers for people to bring in dishes for the call center to judge and the winner would win a price.  So this lady was trying to get as many people as possible to eat her cake so she could get them to vote.  I ate the freaking cake.  Plus a brownie.  Plus white chocolate drizzled popcorn.  Oh my gosh, I seriously couldn't say no anymore.

Then, we had to do some training so the managers pulled about 15 people off the phones, myself included, and put us in this tiny training room that was standing room only by the time we all got in there.  Then they brought in pizza for us.  Do you have any idea how hard it is to resist eating one of your favorite foods when you are stuck in a small room and literally every person surrounding you is eating pizza?  It was damn impossible.  So I ate the freaking pizza.

When I left work, I was so angry with myself and my work.  Ultimately it's up to me to have the willpower to say no -  but they don't make things easy on a fat kid.  Holey Moley.  Really I was more disappointed that I had felt so good and accomplished on my way to work and it was all ruined within the first five minutes of me being there.  It probably wouldn't have been that bad if I had stuck to one slice of pizza and one chocolate item - But I couldn't.  I ate the first one and I couldn't keep myself from eating more.  This is why I don't allow myself to have cheat days.  Because I have no self control when it comes to eating sweets and things like that.  I beat myself up pretty good about this whole situation but then I realized that it was one day.  That one day doesn't set the rest of my life and I could make tomorrow a better one.  And I did.

That Friday night, actually about two Saturday morning, my cousin Zac and his fiance Haley came up from Utah to visit.  We always have such a blast when we get together so when he called and told me they were planning on coming up I was really excited.  We fit as much fun into this weekend as we could.

We mostly spent time catching up, and getting excited because Zac and Haley are newly engaged.  Saturday we also went floating the Boise river.  It was about a three hour float but we had such a blast.  My legs were so sore though from our workout the day before and then all the paddling we did made my arms just as sore today.  I seriously had no idea just how hard it would be - it's a lot of work.  I actually ended up getting a rash on my arms from the tube.  Saturday was hot out and it felt so good to be out and in the water.  We were all so beat by the time we got done that we pretty much came home and crashed.

Zac's Just going to love me for this!  Haha

 LOL, I don't know what's up with his facial expressions.

Today was just your typical Sunday morning.  We just kinda took it easy this morning before bidding farewell to my cousins so they could head home.  Then it was just life back to normal.  We did some grocery shopping, meal prepping, and the ever fun laundry.

The best news, however, is that even with the binging on Friday I lost another 3 pounds so now I'm down a total of 17!!  Only three more pounds until I'm down 20.  I cannot wait for that first milestone.  This time around, this journey has been a struggle.  I'm still here, standing strong, and pushing forward.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015


My weight this morning was 328.6.

So far, I've gained back 4.4 pounds of the 13 that I had lost in the last week and a half.  Talk about upsetting!  That is definitely not the direction I wanted to be going and what's worse is that I can't figure out why this is happening and I've been driving myself nuts trying to figure it out.  I've been regularly active - lots of walking with some occasional weight lifting.  My eating has even been going well.  We are still meal planning and prepping so that Tim and I can eat early and the things we've been eating have been really healthy.  Lots of whole foods with no preservatives and no sugars.  I have been eating fats but in small quantities and only good fats like nuts and avocados.  All of my fruits I eat as early in the day as possible and I usually only have about 2 servings of fruits (just because my sugar is still slightly elevated).

For the life of me, I still have no idea what happened or why I have gained weight.  Someone told me recently that it could be period related (sorry guys!) and that women tend to gain weight a week or so before they start menstruating.  My periods are so irregular though due to PCOS that I have no idea if I'm due to start anytime soon.  I guess we'll just have to wait and see. 

If I'm being honest, this week was probably one of the most frustrating weeks for me.  I've never plateaued like this before.  In the past, if I gained weight it was because I wasn't eating accordingly.  If I ate right and stayed active the weight would fall off every time.  So this time around, when I was sticking to the plan and the weight didn't come off, I got super upset.  In my mind, here I am giving up fast food restaurants, bbq, candy, and all the other junk to really make a change and it seemed like it was all for nothing.  I was seriously tempted to blow it all to hell and just eat what I want.  It didn't help that my work brought in some kind of food for the center every day from candy to Root beer floats.  My own mood plus all the temptations around me made it extremely difficult to stay on track.  I'll be honest, some days I did great and some days it was down right impossible.  I stayed strong and didn't have the root beer floats but I gave in the next day and ate a sliver of cake.      

Let's be real here.  This thing we're doing, trying to change a lifetime of bad habits, can be mentally challenging.  This week was one of the hardest because I was going through withdrawals from preservatives, and all the other addictive crap that's in the foods most of us Americans consume, and then add in the fact that I was frustrated and it made for a very long week.  I honestly thought about giving up over 100 times.  

But then something happened.  I got in a fight, and I mean a screaming fight, with Tim.  I think he'd finally had enough of me moping around and mourning the foods I used to eat.  You see, food for me was my friend - as sad as that is.  It's what I turn to when I'm sad, happy, or need some comfort - and it's always been there for me.  So giving up the drive thru's, pastries, and deep fried food seriously made me sad and depressed.  On top of that, gaining back the weight I had struggled to lose made it seemed impossible and deeply frustrating.  Getting in a fight with Tim really helped me realize what was really bothering me.  He couldn't understand why I was so upset that I couldn't order a pizza or eat a cookie.  I had to think about how I feeling and explain it to him so he could understand.  In doing so, I was able to come to grips with my emotions. 

I've come to realize that I tend to concentrate on all the negative and focus on what I'm giving up to become healthy.  I see other people eating pizza, tacos, ice cream, macaroni and cheese and all I think about is how unfair it is that I can't eat those things.  I think about how much weight I have to lose and long it will take me.  I get stressed out because I have to learn a whole new way of cooking and preparing meals.  I get upset and start to feel defeated because I don't know what to do at the gym and I get overwhelmed thinking about which order I need to workout in.  It's ALL negative thinking.  Tim made me realize that I have to stop that negativity right now.  All I have to show for it is a burning gut and disappointment.  I need to start concentrating on the positives - like the fact that I'll be able to ride horses, roller coasters, and sit in a booth.  As corny as it sounds, I need to start telling myself that I CAN do this and I can make it to my goal weight.  I need to start talking positively to myself and thinking about what I'm gaining instead of giving up.  I know that this principle is the lighthouse in the dark for anyone who has successfully lost their weight.  I also know that in order for me to be successful I have to start applying this to my own life otherwise I'm going to give up before I get started.

If you're in the same boat, don't give in.  I know we can do this and that it is possible to get healthy.  We can get there together.

Monday, July 13, 2015

10 Day Update

13 pounds down so far!  Sqeeeeee!!!  I forgot how nice it feels to be losing weight and how much excitement it brings to step on the scale and see another pound lost.  It gives me all kinds of motivation to see my weight dropping!

The meal planning and prepping has been a huge success and, again, I’m not sure why I haven’t done this before.  Tim and I spend Sundays, because that’s our only day off together, doing our grocery shopping and prepping.  We usually try and prep at least until Wednesday because he has that day off to finish up the rest of the week.  Our meals are pretty simple so it’s usually not too bad to prep it all out – the worst part is finding room in the fridge.  The only meal we don’t prep is breakfast – just because it’s usually half a cup of yogurt and a banana, oatmeal, or 2 eggs and a piece of dry, whole grain toast.  Meal prepping in advance has afforded us our evenings to do whatever we want because we don’t have to spend time cooking, or in our case, waiting in a restaurant because we are too tired to cook.  It’s been SOOO NICE coming home and not worrying about cooking anything.  It’s also allowed us to eat much earlier.  We were eating around 9-9:30 which was so late that even eating a healthy meal wasn’t doing anything for us.  Now we take lunch and dinner to work and we eat no later than six.  It’s been working out so much better for us.  If you’re not already meal prepping – give it a try!  It is so worth it.
We’ve also been getting up at five and heading to the gym in the morning.  I’ll be the first to admit that some days, it just didn’t happen.  It’s been an adjustment trying to get up that early when my body is normally used to getting up at 8am (at the earliest).  The secondary struggle is that when we do make it, I’m wearing out pretty quickly.  Tim is all excited to weight lift because he wants to bulk up but he’s also in much better shape than I am.  I’m going to have to go much slower which is, honestly, quite frustrating.  I’ve backpedaled quite a bit compared to where I was when I was working out with the trainers.  I know I can get there again – I just have to start from the beginning.

I wish I could say that I’ve had no sugar cravings and that so far resisting the cravings has been a breeze.  The truth is that some days it’s royally sucked.  I’ve cried and raged at the fact that I just can’t eat whatever I want to.  It’s been really hard and I’ve honestly stuck pretty close to home because it’s too tempting to drive down the street.  Here’s a fun fact:  Women with PCOS have a harder time with cravings because this disease makes you want sweets more than a woman without PCOS.  Add the fact that our hormones are all out of whack and it just makes the whole situation better.  I know it can be done, because I’ve done it before, but it just takes some time to adjust again.  Tim has been my rudder and when I find myself faltering – he’s right there to steer me out of it.  My family and friends also know what my weaknesses are and are super willing to help me out.  They don’t put me in tempting situations and help me to stay strong when I am in crazy situations.  For instance, in a particularly weak moment, I bought some cookies out of the vending machine at work.  I told my co-worker about it before I ate the cookies and she got rid of them for me. 
I’m still down 13 pounds and I’m going strong even though sometimes my cravings have gotten the better of me.  I’m human and that means I’m not perfect.  But I can tell you that each day gets better and a little bit easier.  I still struggle sometimes but I’m slowly finding the balance and pretty soon it’ll be second nature.

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

Here We Go Again

I’ve said it before, and no doubt I’ll say it again, but I’m starting over.  Sadly, it’s been more than a year since I’ve stopped caring about myself and I’ve gained back every pound that I lost plus 10 more.  I stopped working out and I stopped caring about what I ate and it absolutely shows.  I’ve been waffling back forth about getting healthy this whole time.  All these fluffy blog posts about how “now is the time” and “this time I’m doing things different” and yada, yada.  In reality, it was all bullshit.  I wasn’t ready to get back to it.  Knowing how much work I’ve got to put in to make a genuine lifestyle change wore me out before I even got started.  I was totally demotivated, depressed, and just discouraged to continue and at some point I just gave up.

Lately, a lot of thought has been going into what kind of future I want.  I know, and have known, that staying on this path is going to severely decrease my quality of life.  I know that there will be serious medical issues in the future if I don’t get it under control now – especially since I’m diabetic and my blood sugar has been out of control.  Tim and I have also been talking about what kind of a future we want together – whether that involves having children, traveling, or just doing small things like going on hikes or whatever.  Those things, while not impossible, are much harder and more difficult while being obese.  

The truth is, my reasons for wanting a healthier life have not changed.  If anything, I have more reasons to get healthy than I did before.  The only that had changed was not having any motivation to make any changes.  I knew this time around, if I was actually going to be serious, that I couldn’t start because I was excited and it was something new.  I would actually have to make the decision to just do and then push through all of the doubt, or self-deprecation, or whatever it was holding me back.  This time it would have to be sheer will that gets me through it. 

So, I made a decision.  I decided that I couldn’t continue living my life this way and, no matter what, I was going to change it.  I started a week ago.  I’ve waited to write anything, or tell my family or friends, what I’m doing because I wanted to make sure that I was actually going to follow through.  That first week is always the hardest for me and that’s usually when I cave and give up.  I start out good the first couple of days but by the end of the week I’m at Taco Bell in the drive-thru ordering six tacos and two burritos.  I didn’t want to write another bullshit post – I wanted it to be legit.
We are currently on day Five and so far we’ve been doing really well.  We set some goals when we started – things like making a meal plan, prepping our meals in advance, getting up and doing something active before work, and eating whole/unprocessed foods.  We’ve hit all of those goals so far.  It’s important to me that these changes are things that I can continue to do for the rest of my life.  I didn’t want this to be about starting a new diet, like HCG, because those don’t work for me long term.  So, I set goals in mind that would help me through the hard stuff and make it possible to succeed.  The key for me is the meal planning and prepping.  Having my meals and eating at work has been a huge factor in how successful we’ve been so far.  I know that I won’t go to the gym or want to cook after work so I just get it all done before hand.  Plus I’m not eating late and then going straight to bed.

All of the being said, to truly start over I have to re-post pictures of what I look like and what my weight and measurements are now.  This was a lot harder for me to do this time than it was the first time.  The first time going in I was pumped because I was motivated and knew my body was going to change.  I still know those things, but posting these photos now is admitting out loud that I failed.  It, honestly, makes me ashamed when I look at these pictures.  Anyway, here they are.  Please be kind in your comments – I’m beating myself up enough as is. 

Neck:   17.0
Right Bicep:  18.5
Left Bicep:  18
Bust:  55.5
Waist:  66.0
Hips:  59.0
Right Thigh:  29.5
Left Thigh:  28
Right Calf:  20.0
Left Calf:  20.0
Starting Weight - 337.2                       Current Weight - 327.2

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Easter Candy

The sugar cravings are real people!

My eating plan was going amazingly well and I was doing so good avoiding sugar.  The Friday before Easter people were bringing in cakes and pies and dropping candy off at my desk and I didn’t partake of any of it.  I left work feeling super proud of myself and accomplished that I was able to say no.
Then Easter happened.  Ugh!  I don’t know what it is about holidays anymore but they seem so candy focused!  As hard as I was trying to avoid candy, it seemed like the candy was everywhere.  All over the TV, the first aisle you see in the grocery store, at work, at our friends, it was just everywhere.  Still, I did pretty well until Easter.   My mom likes to give my sister and I Easter baskets and I forgot to mention to her that we were cutting out sweets.  Needless to say, the Easter basket we got was full of candy.
Now, I’m pretty good at saying no when people offer me sweets at work and so forth. But, when confronted with this basket that my mom had obviously put time and effort into, I didn’t want to say no.  Let me tell you, it was a lot harder to resist eating that candy when I was taking it home with me.  I have to say – I didn’t resist so well.  I didn’t eat as much of it as I wanted but I did eat some.  The rest we took out to Tim’s mom and gave to her. 
Now here’s the bad part.  Ever since I gave in and ate that candy, I have had a heck of a time resisting the sweets.  There’s candy available at my work all day every day.  I’ve noticed that Tim has been having the same struggles as I was and together we did not make the best of decisions.  However, I had a couple days of vacation scheduled this week to spend some time at home with Tim and together we were able to stay away from the sweet goodness that is candy.  Now we are back to our normal eating plan which does not include sweets of any kind.  The only bummer was that my goal for this month was to go 30 days without any sweets.  I obviously mucked that up but that’s okay because I’m just going to start over today.  So 30 days from now I will have officially made it 30 days without sweets.
In addition, Tim and I have decided that at least twice a month we are going to try and do something physical we’ve never done before.  Our first physical accomplishment was Wednesday when we hiked up a freaking mountain to Skinny-dipper hot springs.  We originally heard about this place from one of his co-workers and we’ve wanted to go there so badly ever since.  It’s a natural hot springs near Banks, Idaho that is maintained by some locals and, apparently, because this hot springs is so secluded it’s a popular place to go skinny dipping. 
Let me just tell you, it’s a freaking hike up a dang mountain to get to it.  I almost died no less than three times on my way up there.   Ck, that might be an exaggeration but there were several times I wanted to go back because I didn’t think I was going to make it.  There’s actually a man-made trail leading back from the road through the mountain to the hot springs.  It’s only accessible on foot and it’s uphill the whole way.  At some points we even had to climb over giant rocks.  For someone who isn’t used to this kind of physical activity – it was pretty exerting.  Tim never once let me quit though and I was pretty glad when we got to the top and saw the hot springs.

There was some other people there – all fully clothed except for one woman who was topless.  She, thankfully, put her top back on when we got there.  I am not comfortable enough in my skin yet to get buck naked in front of complete strangers so my clothes were on the entire time.  The hot springs themselves were so warm and in the most gorgeous spot and the view was absolutely breathtaking.  The sun was just setting when we got there so we didn’t get as many pictures as I would have liked.  I will say this; it was a huge accomplishment, for me at least, to make it that far.  So many times I contemplated giving up and turning back but it was too hard and I never thought I would make it.  I did though and I was better for it.                        

This is the view after we were about halfway down the mountain

The view from the hot springs

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Spring Is In The Air!

I can’t believe that we are already four months into this year!  The weather here has been so beautiful lately that I’ve been trying to get outside as much as possible.  My current exercise is alternating between walking and riding my bike.  The bike has been killing helping me build up my strength - by that I mean I can hardly walk because my legs hurt so badly.  Still, I haven’t been able to be outside as much as I like.  That’s the downside of working in an office all day.  I am lucky enough that I get to sit by a window at work so I’ve got all the natural sunlight I could want instead of that nasty fluorescent lighting.  It's been so nice here lately that I was positive that summer was on the way.  Then today I was reminded that, no, it is in fact still March.  

I am getting more and more excited about the longer days of summer.  I don't know what it is but I seem to get more accomplished during the day when it stays light out so long.   Also, I seem to be much better at sticking to my goals during the summer than I do in the colder season.  For some reason my energy level and my drive just aren’t as high during the winter.

Tim and I still have our gym membership and we’ve been going on occasion but we’ve forgone the inside of the gym for our activities outside.  I really want to enjoy it as much as possible before it gets super hot outside and I'm forced to go inside to do my workouts.  We've actually made a pretty good effort to keep ourselves active even without going to the gym everyday.

My blood sugars are still pretty high even with the new medication that my doc has me on.  For now he wants me to go on a low carbohydrate diet.  To be honest, I've been having a lot of problems with my stomach lately too.  Ever since I had my gallbladder removed, I seem to have developed an intolerance for dairy and fat.  I'm not sure exactly which foods are causing me the problems so for the next 30 days I will not be eating dairy or fat of any kind.  Then I'll slowly start reintroducing them back into my diet.  My goal here is two fold.  First, I'll be able to wean myself off of all the bad fats and second - I'll be able to determine which foods I can and can't eat.  So for the next thirty days I will not be eating dairy, carbohydrates, or fat of any kind.  Basically I'll be munching on celery all day every day.

All kidding aside, it's not going to be that drastic.  My body has changed, however, and now I have to figure out what foods I can put into my body.  It really couldn't happen at a better time because I've really wanted to go super clean with my eating.  I'm excited to see where I'm at come the end of April.  For now, I'm just going to take it a day at a time.   

Sunday, March 22, 2015

I Got A Brand New . . .

Bicycle!  I got a brand new bicycle!  I have been wanting to ride a bike for so long!  That was my number one go to activity as a kid - I practically lived on my bike.  I'm pretty sure I even had a "Bike gang" when I was in elementary school.  Okay not really, but it was something all the kids in our neighborhood did.

I can't remember when or why I stopped riding my bike.  My guess is it's because we had to leave them behind when my family moved from Idaho to Utah.  For some reason we never replaced them.  We only stayed in Utah for about a year and when we moved back to Idaho my parents had bought a farm and there wasn't anywhere to ride a  bicycle.  Instead I graduated to four wheelers.

I've really missed having a bike to ride around on.  It is something that's pretty special to me because my dad taught me how to ride a bike.  It's one of the best memories I have with my dad.  He'd go bike riding with me and I'd even ride along next to him while he ran.  My dad bought me my very first big girl bike.  The older I got the less Dad wanted to ride with me.  I remember the last time we rode our bikes together I was around fifteen or sixteen.  I had been begging him to go on a ride with me and he finally agreed to do it.  However, by the time we got ready and he got the bikes out of the garage it had started to rain.  It was summer time in Wisconsin so it was pretty warm out.  I still figured he wouldn't want to go.  I was wrong and we went riding in the rain.  We were soaked to our skin within 2 minutes but we rode for quite a while.  It was an amazing day.  Needless to say, I've been missing it.  Last summer I tried to ride one of Tim's bikes but it was just too uncomfortable for me and I didn't even make it down the street before I turned around to head home.  I was so discouraged because I had wanted to do it so badly but it just didn't work out. 

Today we were wandering around Walmart and I saw that they had some bikes on sale.  I was eying a specific one and Tim got it out and made me ride it in the aisle of the store.  It felt amazing and it was so comfortable.  I knew I had to have it.  The only problem was that I had no way to get it home.  I knew it would fit in my car but we happened to have been driving Tim's car.  I would have to go home and get my car and come back to pick Tim and the bike up.  Tim wanted to put it back and run to get the car.  I was petrified that someone else would want it and it would be gone by the time we got back.  So, I made Tim walk it around the store while we got our groceries.  Poor guy, lol.  He was such a sweetie about the whole thing.  We ended up checking out and I ran to get the car while he stayed with the bike.  We live about ten minutes away from Walmart so it was a 20 minute round trip.  By the time I picked up the car Tim called to tell me that he was riding the bike home.  He actually made it about 3/4 of the way home before I met him to pick him up.  I thought that was terribly sweet of him.

I took it on my first ride this evening and it was absolutely amazing.  It was everything I thought it was going to be and everything I've been missing.  I'm sure not the young kid I was and my body is probably twice the size but I loved it anyway.  The great part about the bicycle is that it's a Huffy lady cruiser which is not typically meant for going up hills because there are no gears to shift.  I'm fortunate enough that I live in a very hilly area so I really got my workout in.  The hills almost killed me but I did it anyway -right along side my beau. I was only able to do about 30 minutes today but my goal is to be able to ride all around my neighborhood by the end of the summer.  I'll just have to keep practicing! 

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

March Madness!

This has been a crazy month for us!  I literally would try and sit down to write a post but I’d only get about halfway through before I’d have to get up and do something else.  Now I have 15 unpublished, half-written posts.  I’m actually typing this up while I’m at work because, believe it or not, this is about the only time I’ve got to do it. 

Honestly, we just seem to be on the go all the time and when we finally get home at night we drop into bed utterly exhausted.  Then we wake up and do it all again the next day.  For a while there were going getting up early to prep our meals, cook breakfast, and get lunches ready, and then we were off to work.  We’d get home and run to the gym for an hour, sometimes longer, and then come home and cook dinner, clean up, and go to bed.  We weren’t getting into bed until 12:00, 12:30 every morning and then we were up by six to do it all again.  It made for a pretty long day and we eventually just burned out.  Pretty soon we gave up going to the gym and then we gave up cooking at home.  Totally defeated the purpose of what we were trying to do. 

I actually got so burnt out that I took a couple weeks off of work just recuperate.  I spent a lot of time going to doctors and whatnot but I also got to spend some time outside walking our dogs.  We’ve had some really beautiful, warm whether lately so I took full advantage of it and chose to spend my gym time outside.  It was so worth it!  Tim and I actually saw some white tail deer on some of our walks.  Plus the dogs really enjoyed getting to go with us. 
I’m back at work now and we’re still trying to figure out the best way to manage our time.  For now we plan and doing as much food prepping as we can on Sundays so we can just throw stuff together quickly.  We also are taking it easy on the gym.  It’s still a priority but I’m not going to kill myself if I don’t make it every day.  Our short days are Wednesday and Thursday so we go those days and then at least one day on the weekend.  We try to fit in extra time during the week where we can.  We’ve also been walking on a regular basis with the dogs around our neighborhood.

We’re still watching what we eat.  For myself, I’m trying to stay away from carbohydrates.  I try not to eat any simple carbs and I am very strict on the complex carbs we eat.  My blood sugar has been pretty high so I’m trying to get that under control.  We’ve actually found out, recently, that we can’t eat very much dairy without getting sick.  We’ve switched to lactose free milk and we cut out yogurt, cheese, and things like that.  Every once in a while I might eat some cheese but it’s rare.  Tim really wants to start eating fewer meats so we’ve cut back a lot on the red meat.  We eat a lot of chicken, turkey, and fish.  We’ve also been making a lot of meals with no meat – like this Italian Wonder Pot from  Its SOOO good and Tim loves that it doesn’t have any meat in it. 
We still struggle a little bit.  It’s been a process to actually worry and think about what food I’m cooking.  Before it was just mindless – this looks good so let’s eat it and who cares what the effects on my body are.  It’s different now, my body actually rebels if I put something in there it doesn’t want.  We still don’t know what the heck we’re doing at the gym but we keep trying new things.  For now it’s really just about making that extra effort and being more active.  We’ll fine tune our process as we go.  The mistakes we’ve made so far have really helped us in the long run because now we have a better understanding of how far we can push ourselves and what works for us.   

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Weekend In McCall

This weekend we decided to get away from home for a bit so we drove about three hours away to a small city called McCall.  Every year, McCall hosts a winter carnival where different businesses build these gigantic snow sculptures.  If you ever get the chance to go than make sure you do, it really is an amazing sight to see.  Anyway, Tim and I decided to head up on Saturday to see the winter carnival and we wanted to check out a possible wedding venue while we were up there.

Tim had to work for part of the morning so we headed up as soon as he got off.  The drive from Boise to McCall is literally straight through the mountains and it’s an amazing drive.  I love seeing all the pine trees and the rivers as we drove by.  Even the air was much cleaner and so we rolled down the windows and just breathed it all in.    There was still snow on the ground in some parts so it just made for a very pretty and peaceful drive. 

We were pretty excited to see all the ice sculptures but it turns out that this weekend was record breaking for Idaho.  The temperature ended up being in the sixties.  So, if you can imagine, the ice sculptures were all melted and barely distinguishable!  I did get some very interesting pictures of some giant lumps of snow though.  We weren’t all that disappointed because there was so much else going on and so many different things to see that we kept busy the whole time we were there.

This is the only picture I got.  It's supposed to be the star wars characters.

The wedding venue we wanted to look at was The Shore Lodge.  It sits right on the lake and has the most amazing view.  You literally get married lake side with the mountains in the background.   The lodge was beautiful and it was pretty inclusive.  They provide all the food, beverage, chairs, linens, dinnerware, and cutlery.  It saves so much expense.  They have two separate rooms – one for the ceremony and dancing and then one for dinner.  They are both gorgeous.  We were very impressed with the cost and all the amenities the venue came with.  I think it’s a serious contender but we’re still looking around for other possibilities. 

We ended the night with a firework show out over the lake.  It was pretty awesome but I didn't get any pictures because it started to rain and it got pretty cold out.  We bundled up and snuggled to stay warm.  After the fireworks we drove back home.  I can't wait until summer is here.  We had such a blast we plan on going back up this summer.    

Sunday was just a pretty average day.  We spent some much needed time with my mother and Tim's mother and then we went and got our weekly grocery shopping out of the way.  Nothing too strenuous.  It was a pretty great weekend though.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

The Truth About Self - Loathing

This week I've hit a rough patch.  You might think that means I've been in binging mode and I've eaten a lot of crap or I've been sitting on the couch in front of the TV and NOT going to the gym like I should.  You would be incorrect.  This particular rough patch is all about self-loathing.  Lately, I can't seem to get past how much I loath myself.

All week long I've been beating myself up over and over and over again for not sticking with my weight loss.  I get so pissed at myself because I was doing it.  I was on the downward track and my weight was melting off.  I felt good, I felt strong, and most of all I felt confidant.  Than I just gave up.  I don't know if it was one specific thing that happened or the whole cluster but I inevitably just quit.  And guess what - I've gained every single pond back.  I worked my butt off to lose 60 pounds.  I put my blood, sweat, and several tears into each pound that came off.  And then I threw it all the away.

I've been having lots of trouble getting past that - past the fact that I have no one else to blame but myself.  I've really been struggling and hating myself for it.  Today was the icing on top of my self-loathing cake.  I've really outgrown my clothes, because I gave away all my fat clothes and then gained a bunch of weight, so I am in desperate need of some clothing.  I've really been putting it off but I know that I'm going to be going from a size XL shirt back up to a size 4X.  But I basically ran out of options.  So anyway, there I was in the store trying to find a shirt that would cover all my rolls and IT WAS NOT WORKING.  They was no mistaking what I was trying to hide under my shirt.  I got extremely upset and very emotional looking at just how bad my body has become.  I came home and just started bawling.  I realized that my body is the consequences for the choice I made to give up and that devastated me.

Here's the problem though.  No matter how much I hate myself, how much I regret not sticking with the plan, I cannot change a damn thing.  I can't jump in a time machine and go back and do it all over again.  I can't make myself stick with the workouts and the menu plans.  So whether I want to or not - time is still passing and we are all still moving forward.  The difference is, I can wallow in what if's and should have's or I can get up and start fresh right now.  I can be proud that when it's all said and done that I failed but I got back up and finished it.  NO amount of self - loathing and hatred is going to change a single thing. 

I have some truly amazing people in my life and they told me two things.  First, true beauty is measured by what is on the inside and not the outside - and I AM beautiful.  Beauty is not something I normally equate to myself so this was surprising to me.  Secondly, no amount of self-loathing or hating myself is going to change what happened so I need accept that it did. Again, this was a surprise.  Why the heck would I want to accept that I failed?  But I realized this statement was true.  I will never be able to move on from the past unless I accept that it happened and make the necessary changes to live a healthy life.

The truth about self-loathing is this:  It will never get you anywhere but stuck. 

Don't get sucked into this cycle.  Love yourself enough to let it go and move on.  At this point, I know what I did and what I didn't do and I have to own both choices.  Now, going forward, I can make different choices and have a different outcome.  Love yourself enough to do the same.   

Side note.  In no way are my feelings, thoughts, or impressions reflections on anyone else but myself.  This post is strictly how I feel about myself and my situation. 

Monday, February 2, 2015

What's Different This Time Around?

There are so many differences this time around compared to when I started HCG.  The first and foremost change is that I'm not weighing myself.  I know when I decided to start over I was weighing in around 330lbs.  That's a weight gain of all the weight I lost plus four pounds.  Ugh.  The point is, I wanted I starting weight so I could keep track of my weight.  This time, I didn't want to make my focus about losing weight.  That didn't work for me before, and in fact, I just ended getting so upset with myself if I wasn't losing fast enough that I would binge eat.  Not very effective at all.

This time around, the scale is under the bathroom cupboard and that's where it stays.  I have absolutely no idea if what I've been doing is effective or not.  I don't know if I've lost weight and I really don't care.  I want to keep track monthly just to make sure I'm on the right track but that's the end of it. 

For a brief, brief moment I joined a weight watchers group at work.  I think the concept of WW is wonderful, and if that's what works for you then that is awesome.  I hated every minute of it.  I found that every week during weigh in I was dreading what the scale said.  It didn't matter if I had ate super clean and healthy the whole week or if I had worked out for three hours every day - if that scale didn't show a drop the WW leader was all over me about it.  HEAVEN FORBID if I had actually gained.  I know she was probably trying to be supportive but that just didn't work for me.  I was more depressed when I decided to quit than when I started.  So - no scale.   

Secondly, my main goal this time around is to cook every meal at home.  I know that seems like a no brainer but in all reality - that's super hard for me.  I work long hours and when I add gym time to it some days the last thing I want to do is come home and cook.  I've been doing it anyway.  And I've made some freaking delicious meals. 

Sometimes I honestly don't know what I'm doing.  I worry that I'm not getting enough fruits or veggies or that I'm lacking in protein.  Then there's that fiber stuff - am I supposed to be worrying about that?  Yeah, I've got no freaking clue.  What I do know, is that I'm eating low carb and low fat.  And I'm doing a lot of research in between!  Also, my crock-pot has become my best friend.  I can't tell you how much I love cooking in that sucker - especially on my really long days!  Coming home to dinner already made is such a blessing, haha.  And usually the prep time in the morning isn't too bad. 

Simple things, but I'm finding that they've been really effective so far.  I've stuck to my plan and we've become regulars at our gym.  I've even started to meet new people.  This week, we are trying out morning workouts versus going at night after work.  Five A.M. sure comes early so we'll see how well that goes.  Right now, it's basically about trial and error.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Back On The Wagon . . . So To Speak

As I'm sure all of you have noticed, it's been some time since I've actually had anything worthwhile to write.  In all honesty I've been waiting a long time to write this post.  I didn't want to write another fluff post claiming that I was going to get back to my healthy ways and then it never ends up going anywhere.  Then, months later, I'll be back with another craptastic post.

In all honesty, I've struggled.  I've struggled with my weight and I've watched it balloon up until I hated myself for it.  I've struggled with eating healthy and I've struggled with caring about it.  If I'm actually being 100% honest with myself, and all of you, I gave up.  I gave up on working out, I gave up on caring about weight - I just avoided the scale and mirrors, and I gave up on nutrition.  And you know what happened?  I started feeling like crap all the time, my diabetes came back in full swing so my doctors are freaking out and have me on all kinds of meds, and I've gained back all my weight plus some.  Yay for me, right?

Anyway, my point is this:  I didn't want to write another post I didn't mean and so that meant not writing at all.  I've been waiting until I knew for sure that I was going to be dedicated and committed to making a life style change.  This is NOT about losing weight and being skinny any longer.  It's about doing the best for my body that I can.  It's about extending my life expectancy, being active, and having a family some day.  There's so much more that I want than just to be skinny.  I want to be healthy!  I want to be medication free.  Don't get me wrong, the skinny will be an awesome side benefit but I'm just saying it's about so much more.  So, I've been waiting.  Waiting to write this post until I knew that I was back on the wagon and I was staying.

That being said, I am officially back on the wagon.  I've been meal planning, meal prepping, and avoiding the inside aisles at the grocery store.  The best part is that I've stuck with the nutrition.  And it's all been simple, clean, and healthy.  For example, this is how my week looked:

Wednesday - Spaghetti w/spaghetti squash instead of noodles
Thursday - Baked chicken, potatoes, and veggies
Friday - Beef Stroganoff (without noodles) in the crockpot
 None of these ingredients used any canned or processed foods!

It's been such a long time since I've done any meal planning that it's been a bit hard remembering what I want to eat.  I've been trying to eat simple, unprocessed foods while still getting protein, veggies, and fruits in there.  Right now my doctor also has me on a VERY low carb diet in an effort to get my blood sugars back down.  I've had no soda or sugary drinks so far.  

 My guy got a gym membership and we've gone every night this week, except tonight.  I would have gone tonight but I can hardly walk or lift my arms so I figured I better not push it.  I'll be going the rest of the week though.  Even though I've been sore, it's incredible how much I've missed the gym.  Right now the struggle for me is just making the time.  It's been a challenge trying to figure out the best times to go.  Tim and I both work 10 hour days which means that we get home, immediately change and go to the gym (which is next to our house), and then come home and eat.  We've been getting to bed around midnight every night and then we're up at six in the morning.  I'm a little sleep deprived but I've stuck to the plan so far.  We're still juggling and trying to figure things out so this routine is not set in stone at all.  I hate eating so late at night so I'm trying to figure out the best way to avoid that.   

I do have to give a shout out to the amazing guy in my life that's stuck by my side the entire time.  All these months that I've struggled with my weight, and sinking into this depression, he has stood by me and encouraged me the entire way.  Because of him, I've been getting out the funk that was my existence and I've been making changes to better OUR life together.  He pushes and stands by me when I can't do it on my own.  He sits down with me and helps me plan healthy meals and then he helps me cook them.  He pulls me forward when I feel like I'm taking steps backward.  Some days I literally could not do this without him. 

I'm not going to promise, you or me, that going forward I might not slip up.  I'm not even going to promise that I might not decide to have a root beer float tomorrow (don't worry - I wont).  I'm just not
going to let food control my life anymore.  I'm not going to worry, stress, and ultimately sabotage my own progress because I'm not perfect.  I'm going to do the very best I can, and some days it might not be my best at all.  But the beauty of this life is that we can always start fresh in the morning and make better choices the next day.  Here's to moving forward.