Friday, July 4, 2014

Independence Day!

This year has been one of the toughest years I've faced in my 26 years.  I feel like I've genuinely hit rock bottom and I'm kinda stuck there.  I literally don't even have .50 cents to my name and I'm days away from the power getting shut off cause I can't pay it.  I had to ask my mother today to buy me toilet paper and deodorant.  It's not like I haven't been looking for a job for the past few months either.  I have, desperately.  In fact, the stress from it all is actually making my hair fall out.  I did get a job, though, but I have to wait until the 21st of this month to start it which means I'll have to ask for gas money to get there.  I've always been an independent person and to have to ask my family to borrow money to survive makes me feel absolutely worthless.  Right now it seems like there's no end in sight.

I also decided to go ahead and do HCG again.  I had such great results the last time I tried it and I felt wonderful by the time I was done.  Plus, I'm on a limited budget and eating 500 calories a day will really save me some money in the long run.  I just know I need to do something to get myself back on track and this seemed like the best option.  The only problem:  I'm just not into it.  It's only day one of clean eating and I've already had some major cravings and wanted to give up.  I know why people who have to start over have such a hard time-it's because they know how much work it's actually going to take!  I mean, where the heck did my willpower go?! 

There's nothing like a major life-style change to make you re-evaluate your life and what you've been doing.  I can honestly tell you that I don't like where I'm at and I'm terrified of where I'm going.  I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about how I got here-to this weight, to this financial ruin, and to this life.  I don't really like the answer I got because it all comes down to me and the decisions I've made.

I get major anxiety when I think about all of the things I have to change.  Basically it's everything I've done for the last 26 years and when I think about the end goal it seems impossible to accomplish.  It's enough to make me want to quit before I even get started.  I see all these other fellow bloggers and people on TV that have had great success in losing weight.  They are always talking about meal planning, shopping for groceries, cooking whole and healthy, and all these other things I really have no idea how to begin doing.  I want to do them, believe me when I say that, but I'm just not sure how or where to start.  Seriously it's enough to make me crazy and then all I want to do is go to McDonalds and get a McChicken meal with a large french fry and a Dr. Pepper.

Honestly, right now I'm at the lowest point I've ever been and I'm just struggling to pull myself up and out of the mud.  All I can do is try, right?  I'm determined to see this round, which is my last, of HCG through.  I'm sorry if you don't agree but I'm not doing it for you, I'm doing it for myself.  I have to start making better decisions whether they are hard or not.  For myself and any future I plan on having.    

I actually wrote this post last night and I decided to publish it anyway.  This morning I woke up with a completely different attitude and I was more determined than ever to claim my independence from food!  Then I got on the scale and saw I had lost three pounds.  It just reinforces the reason behind what I'm doing.    Anyway, Happy Independence Day everyone!!

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