Thursday, June 26, 2014

I'm So Angry And I Don't Know How To Deal

I'm so angry that it's hard for me to write this post without using a lot of expletives.  I'm so pissed that I literally want to scream!  Recently my mom's former ex-husband reached out to her through Facebook in the form of a friend request.  Sounds innocent enough however this man is one of the biggest reasons I struggle with my weight and why I have trust issues with men.  This man, in fact, ruined my family and my childhood. 

This is how I feel right now
My parents got divorced when I was four and shortly after my mother married her second husband-the man I've mentioned above.  He convinced her to move away from my father, her own family, and everything she's ever known to come to Idaho.  Then he became physically abusive.  They were married for three years and it was absolute hell.  For three years he abused my mother, my older sister, and I.  I may have been young, but I remember.  I remember being absolutely terrified of being left alone with him whenever my mother had to leave to go to work.  I remember getting beat every night because I couldn't eat my dinner fast enough and then going to my mother's work and having to pretend that it was all okay.  I remember getting beat because I slipped on ice and busted up my knee pretty badly while walking home with my mother.  I remember my six year old sister having to make me dinner, give me a bath, and put me to bed because my mother worked nights at her second job while this sadistic bastard sat on his butt.  I remember him making our lives hell even after he and my mother got divorced.

I could keep going because everyday was it's own personal hell while we lived with this person.  But that's not what this post is about.  This post
is about moving on-which I thought I had.  I was finally putting these ghosts behind me and making myself healthier and stronger.  Then he shows up again out of the blue and sends my mother this friend request.  Then I find out that he lives in the same TOWN I do.  I could literally run into him at any point. 

As if that isn't bad enough, my mother is actually considering contacting this man so she can get closure.  WHAT?  Are you serious?  This man stole our childhood and our innocence.  He stole my mother's self-esteem, her independence, and even her self-worth.  He ripped my family apart and then moved me so far away from my father that I only got to see him once a year!  He broke us, hell he shattered us, and we haven't been the same since.  I can't even begin to describe the devastation he's wrecked on our family.

I'm trying to understand where she's coming from.  It has been 19 years since he's been in our lives and she's since moved on and I have a wonderful step-father.  I know she's still affected by what happened, just as I am, but as much as I try to understand it I just can't.  I'm just so furious at the idea of her even considering communicating with this man.  I've tried to forgive him and I've tried to let go of the hate that I have for him but I just can't fathom actually speaking to this person.  Why would she even give him an ounce of her time?  She says she wants to know why.  Why he did what he did.  But I don't think she'll ever get an answer.  He's a coward and I'm sure if he was ever faced with that question he would lie.  He would never admit to abusing a four year old and a six year old.  What kind of person does that?!

The more I think about it or the more time we discuss him just infuriates me further.  It makes me so mad that he's a part of our lives for even for a second, if only by discussing him.  I seem to be the only person in my family that feels this way.  My step-dad seems to be okay with her reaching out to him and my sister seems to have no care one way or the other.  I, however, am still just reeling from the idea.  I've been boiling over it for days and I just don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get over feeling the way I do or how to let go of the mad that is gripping me. 

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