Saturday, June 28, 2014

Emotionally Crazy Day

When I woke up this morning I had no idea that today would turn out the way it did.  I mentioned a couple blog posts ago that my former step-parent has shown back up in our lives and is trying to get in touch with my mother.  Today it just so happens I was running errands with my mother when she got a call from a former co-worker telling her that this person had attempted to find her at her former job.  At this point she made the decision to contact him to see what he wanted so he would leave her alone.  I objected, loudly, and was overruled.  She ended up using Tim's phone to call and she put it on speaker phone so I could hear part of the conversation. 

To make a long story short, he claims he's having a lot of life problems and he's feeling remorse for the way he treated us all.  He's seen the error of his ways and wanted to call and make amends.  My mother spoke to him for a while and then they disconnected and she went home.  I'm not sure how she feels about the whole situation or if she got the closure she needed.  I doubt that she did but she claims she doesn't want to communicate with him further.  I support whatever decision she makes in that regard.

Anyway, he ended up calling back looking for my mother and I answered the phone.  Surprisingly he guessed who I was right away.  We talked for about forty minutes and in that time, without going into the whole conversation, I was able to ask him why.  Why did he treat my family the way he did?  He gave me an answer and while it wasn't at all what I was expecting.  He didn't give me excuses or claim it never happened.  Instead he broke down and took full responsibility for his actions. 

I can't say for certain if he was genuinely sincere or not or if there's some other motive behind his wanting to contact us all after so many years.  I hope he is genuine but regardless I feel like I can finally move on.  I guess I understand why my mom wanted to reach out to him after all.  I finally have the closure I need to put this all to rest and move on with my life.  The man no longer has power over me or my life.  He's not this monster I fear anymore but just a man whose life is crumbling around him.  I can't say that I forgive this him for everything at this point.  But I can say that I'm finally going to be able to work on it.  I know that genuine or not, I feel like I got the weight off my shoulders that's been holding me back for so long and now I can move forward.  This chapter if FINALLY closed.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Second Time Around

I know my post earlier today was a tad gloomy and I'm just not the kind of person that stews in that kind of stuff.  While I'm still upset at the situation I cannot continue to let that affect my life or my health.  I choose instead to make healthier decisions and continue on the path I've chosen for myself.

Therefore, I decided to go on a walk today around my neighborhood with my best friend and our dogs.  We successfully walked 2 miles both up and downhill.  Some pretty steep hills in fact and I can already feel it in my legs and buns.  It's been a long time since I've felt that burn and I must say that it felt fantastic.  I even played some Frisbee in the park for a while during our walk, which was both exhausting and exhilarating.  I feel much better and way more clear headed than I felt this morning. 

I also want to mention that I love my mother and I know she's only trying to do the best she can.  I imagine in her situation I would probably want answers as well.  She is a strong woman and I know that her road hasn't been easy.  She's made the best decisions she can with the hand she was dealt and I respect her for that.  I know that she suffered 10x more than I ever did and I'll love her to the ends of the earth and back.  I'll thank her till the day I die for getting both my sister and I out of that situation and away from that man.

Hope you all have a wonderful evening!

I'm So Angry And I Don't Know How To Deal

I'm so angry that it's hard for me to write this post without using a lot of expletives.  I'm so pissed that I literally want to scream!  Recently my mom's former ex-husband reached out to her through Facebook in the form of a friend request.  Sounds innocent enough however this man is one of the biggest reasons I struggle with my weight and why I have trust issues with men.  This man, in fact, ruined my family and my childhood. 

This is how I feel right now
My parents got divorced when I was four and shortly after my mother married her second husband-the man I've mentioned above.  He convinced her to move away from my father, her own family, and everything she's ever known to come to Idaho.  Then he became physically abusive.  They were married for three years and it was absolute hell.  For three years he abused my mother, my older sister, and I.  I may have been young, but I remember.  I remember being absolutely terrified of being left alone with him whenever my mother had to leave to go to work.  I remember getting beat every night because I couldn't eat my dinner fast enough and then going to my mother's work and having to pretend that it was all okay.  I remember getting beat because I slipped on ice and busted up my knee pretty badly while walking home with my mother.  I remember my six year old sister having to make me dinner, give me a bath, and put me to bed because my mother worked nights at her second job while this sadistic bastard sat on his butt.  I remember him making our lives hell even after he and my mother got divorced.

I could keep going because everyday was it's own personal hell while we lived with this person.  But that's not what this post is about.  This post
is about moving on-which I thought I had.  I was finally putting these ghosts behind me and making myself healthier and stronger.  Then he shows up again out of the blue and sends my mother this friend request.  Then I find out that he lives in the same TOWN I do.  I could literally run into him at any point. 

As if that isn't bad enough, my mother is actually considering contacting this man so she can get closure.  WHAT?  Are you serious?  This man stole our childhood and our innocence.  He stole my mother's self-esteem, her independence, and even her self-worth.  He ripped my family apart and then moved me so far away from my father that I only got to see him once a year!  He broke us, hell he shattered us, and we haven't been the same since.  I can't even begin to describe the devastation he's wrecked on our family.

I'm trying to understand where she's coming from.  It has been 19 years since he's been in our lives and she's since moved on and I have a wonderful step-father.  I know she's still affected by what happened, just as I am, but as much as I try to understand it I just can't.  I'm just so furious at the idea of her even considering communicating with this man.  I've tried to forgive him and I've tried to let go of the hate that I have for him but I just can't fathom actually speaking to this person.  Why would she even give him an ounce of her time?  She says she wants to know why.  Why he did what he did.  But I don't think she'll ever get an answer.  He's a coward and I'm sure if he was ever faced with that question he would lie.  He would never admit to abusing a four year old and a six year old.  What kind of person does that?!

The more I think about it or the more time we discuss him just infuriates me further.  It makes me so mad that he's a part of our lives for even for a second, if only by discussing him.  I seem to be the only person in my family that feels this way.  My step-dad seems to be okay with her reaching out to him and my sister seems to have no care one way or the other.  I, however, am still just reeling from the idea.  I've been boiling over it for days and I just don't know what to do.  I don't know how to get over feeling the way I do or how to let go of the mad that is gripping me. 

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Busy, Busy, Busy!

I absolutely love summer!  I will admit the heat gets to me but being able to go outside and enjoy the sunshine beats the heat every time.  In the winter I swear I go into hibernation mode because I hate leaving the house unless it's absolutely necessary.  But in the summer is when you can do all the fun things you miss out on in the winter-like staying out until 10:00 without it getting dark, swimming, fishing, and my favorite-walking/jogging outside!  I haven't done any jogging this year but I have taken advantage of the walking.  I usually go walking around my neighborhood or the greenbelts they have here.  If I'm having a rough day though and want to avoid people or if I'm just looking for a quite spot to go then I usually go to the cemetery.  I know that might sound a bit morbid but it's really quite beautiful and very peaceful.  Plus it has a killer view and some really great walking paths.  The mosquitoes are terrible however.  I usually like to go in the evenings when the sun is setting but before it gets dark!

It overlooks the valley on one side

There are gorgeous trees everywhere!

Yesterday I took a much needed mini vacation and headed up to Lucky Peak Reservoir for some beer, boating, and swimming with some friends, only one of which let me take pictures.  I've been so stressed lately that it was nice to just get away and relax for a while.  We spent most of the day on the water and I even got to drive the boat-which was a little scary.  I was having such a good time that I forgot to take pictures but I did get a few though:

Haha, my favorite picture of the day!

I'm on a boat!

Making waves!

The bridge we drove accross

Usie!  (Instead of selfie)

It was so beautiful there!

The water was pretty cold at first but felt so good

We got to swim with ducklings!

I think I got some sun!

Today was kind of a cloudy day compared to yesterday so I spent most of the day indoors cleaning the house.  I finished what I didn't do monday and then did some spring cleaning I didn't get to in the spring due to my illnesses.  It feels good to throw stuff away and organize what's left over.  Believe it or not, it's really satisfying!  Mostly I'm just happy to have some energy to do stuff.

I didn't get my walk in again tonight but I'm so pooped after all the cleaning I did today that I think it's worth giving it a pass.  I'll make sure to get my walk in tomorrow though.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Mondays . . .

Today is Monday and for most that means going back to work, whether you like it or not.  For me,
temporarily, that means irrigating and house cleaning, YAY!

Okay, okay so I don't really enjoy irrigating.  It's usually an all day event, which Timothy usually does most of.  I however have the pleasure of helping him move and set up giant pipes that run all the way from the pump house to our lawn-which is quite some distance.  Then we have to run hose to the backyard to irrigate the back as well.  It's quite a process and it involves constantly moving the hoses and pipes to make sure the entire yard gets irrigated.

The entire setup is interesting really.  The entire subdivision we live in, which is very old, irrigates.  Most of the houses in the neighborhood have their own pump house but we have to share with our neighbor.  That means we have to run our pipes from the pump house, that sits on his lawn, to our house.  Each house on the block is assigned a specific day and time that they can irrigate.  We share our day and time with our neighbor.  Usually we get the water around noon on Mondays and our neighbor comes and grabs it whenever he gets home from work.  Then when he's done we get it back until about nine at night.  It's pretty crazy but it's more like a juggling act.

Moving all those pipes and all the running around we do is a pretty good workout though.  It's a lot of bending down and lifting.  Plus in this heat it can be pretty sweaty work.  I've also kind of dedicated Monday's as my big cleaning days.  Don't get me wrong, there's little things we do during the week like pick up the bathroom, dishes, sweeping, light dusting, vacuuming, and etc.  But Mondays is when we do the big stuff.  Scrubbing the tubs, washing windows/blinds, moving furniture, cleaning baseboards, washing walls, and all that other fun stuff.  I can't say that I love to clean but I hate having a dirty house even more.  Lately it seems like the cleaning has really gotten away from me with all the stuff I've been going through.  It's literally taken me a couple weeks to get all the dust and gunk out of this house and to finally start feeling like it's actually clean again.

I'm kind of bummed I didn't get a chance to take the pups on a walk tonight like we usually do.  However I'd say I got my workout in and they kept us company running and playing in all the water while we moved pipes.  All in all, I'd we're all ready for bed.

Sunday, June 22, 2014

Beware: Picture Overload!

So I kind of mentioned yesterday that I got some puppies.  I thought I'd go into a little more detail because I'm absolutely obsessed with them! 

Around three and a half Weeks Here
To be honest I had no intentions of getting a dog.  I really wasn't in a place in my life to have one.  I was a few weeks away from moving and finances were kind of strapped.  Anyway, Tim's mother had a dog that had just had puppies in February.  Even though Tim and I had broken up we've remained good friends and there for a while I was spending a lot of time with him at his mother's house.  So I got to play with these puppies on a pretty regular basis.  She had two females and one male-who was a little fat ball of cuteness. They are miniature pincher, Chihuahua, and pug mixed.  A pretty crazy breed right?

I fell in love with this little man and every time I would go to Timmy's house I would go get him right away and we'd play and cuddle.  It got to the point that as soon as he heard my voice his whole little body would start wagging.  I even came up with a silly name and I started calling him that.  There was this extremely stupid song playing on the radio but the main line is "Don't drop that dun dun dun."  I had just gotten done listening to this song on the radio, don't judge me, and Tim said I should call the puppy Bert.  I laughed and said we should instead call him Bert-da-dur to go along with the music from this stupid song.  It stuck and I started calling this puppy Bert-da-dur so much that he started coming to it when I called!  I think Tim's mother, Cheryl, knew that my resistance was wearing down because she kept reminding me that she'd be posting him for sale online pretty soon. 

When Bert, yes I shortened it, was about six/seven weeks Cheryl let me start taking him on car rides-so I could decide if I really wanted him or not. Of course at this point there is no way that this little man is going ANYWHERE but home with me.  I was already completely in love with this little guy and he already would come running whenever he saw me.  Cheryl agreed to let me make payments, she was asking 250 for him, until I got him completely paid off.  Luckily I was able to give it to her all at once so I could finally take him home.  Let me just tell you, the first night did not go well at all!  He was used to be in a kennel so I bought him a rather large kennel with a puppy bed and lots of toys.  I planned on him sleeping in his kennel at night as he was not yet potty trained and I worried about him peeing on my bed at night.  Needless to say, Bert wasn't having it.  He cried the whole night until I finally relented and let him sleep next to me.  I just made sure to set an alarm to take him outside so he didn't potty on accident. 

She would cry in the car unless she got held
Around this time I was still working at HP with Tim and we were car pooling together.  On the days we worked I would go to pick up Tim and drop Bert off with Cheryl so she could puppy sit.  She only had one female puppy left by then.  I guess they were both pretty lonely without each other.  For some reason Cheryl was having a harder time selling her last little female.  She was about seven, almost eight, weeks old around this time.  Whenever I would drop Bert off both puppies would get so excited to see each other that they'd whine and bark.  Whenever I would take Bert to go home the

Sadie Girl

little girl would try to come with.  You could tell they had a great deal of love for each other.  Tim finally talked me into taking the little female, whom I named Sadie, to keep Bert company.  In reality I just fell in love with her too and couldn't bear for her to go to someone else.  And I've never regretted it since!  (I just wish I had pictures of her when she was itty-bitty.)

Sadie about eight/nine weeks

Bert eight/nine weeks

They are the craziest dogs.  So smart but sooo stubborn.  Bert is the adventurous one while Sadie can be more cautious.  She lets him forge ahead before she decides if she's going to do it or not.  They were both kennel trained at seven weeks old and they do really well together.  While working I didn't like keeping them in their kennel so long so I would baby gate them into the kitchen and have their grandma come over to let them out to play once a day.  (Don't worry they had plenty of food, water, and potty pads!)  Unfortunately I soon discovered that they could climb baby gates and their kennel to escape from the kitchen.  So I had to double baby gate the entry way to keep them in.  Then I discovered they like to eat kitchen tables!

They both love to cuddle and you'll usually find them in my lap or sitting next to me whenever I'm stationary.  Sadie is more petite and delicate and will gingerly walk accross my lap to lay down.  Not Bert.  He's a monster and usually launches himself at a dead run onto my lap and then flops himself down.  The only exception to that was when I had mono.  They were absolutely wonderful and seemed to instinctivly know when I was sore or had a fever-which was every day.  They're also sock thieves!  I can't do laundry without them grabbing my socks and running around the house while I chase them.  One of my roommates actually likes to leave clothes scattered around on her floor and whenever I open her door to put her mail in her room the puppies dart in for socks.  I'm constantly finding random socks everywhere or I can never find the matches. 

My sweet fur-babies are now five months, soon to be six months, old.  And they are huge!  We've had to upgrade their harnesses because the old ones don't fit anymore.  They are each getting more and more independent of one another, and me.  =(  It makes me sad that they are getting so big.  Sadie is still the smaller of the two and Bert just continues to surprise me with how big he's getting.  I try to take them on daily walks, both for their health and mine.  They certainly keep me going and it's such a joy whenever I get to come home to them.  I may be crazy obsessed with my furbabies.  I take tons and tons of pictures of them daily, haha.

They love each other!

Bert Loves his sleep!

Sadie Girl
Sadie, haha

Bert after our evening walk

Once again for your viewing pleasure, Then and Now:

Sadie Then!
Sadie Now.

Baby Bert

Monster Bert!

Saturday, June 21, 2014

Brutally Honest

It's certainly been a long time since I've posted and I wish that I could say that things have been going really well and my weight loss has been fantastic.  My news, unfortunately, isn't so great.  We'll just say that so far 2014 has been a rough year for me.

I started out this year pretty sick and ended up having to have gallbladder surgery at the end of March.  That sounds so simple but in reality it was months and months of pain and doctors visits trying to find out what was wrong before they determined it was my gallbladder.  Anyway, I've never had surgery before so I wasn't sure what to expect.  While painful, the surgery went very well and I was pretty much back to myself within two weeks.  There I was, two weeks into April and just going back to work.  I'd been put on a medical leave of absence, without pay, while I tried to get my medical situation figured out.  To say the least, I was pretty strapped for cash at that point. 

I went back to work for about a month and then I got mono.  If you haven't had mono, pray that you don't ever get it.  I have never been so sick in my life.  All I could do was lay in bed.  I barely made it to the shower and when I did I had to have a chair in there and someone to help me shower.  No joke!  It was miserable and the worst part is that I was on bed rest, doctor's orders, for eight weeks.  Literally just laying in bed.  At one point my tonsils and my throat swelled so badly that I ended up having to take steroids to get the swelling in my throat to go down.  Luckily I started to feel better shortly after that.  When I finally could get up and start moving around it was very slow going and I was extremely weak.  It probably took me another four weeks to get back to myself without tiring so easily. 

Now here we are at the end of June and I'm still out of work and pretty much destitute.  Job searching has been extremely hard as so many people here are trying to find work.  I finally landed the job I wanted, however it doesn't start until July 21st.  In the meantime I'm trying to find something temporary or I'm doing odd jobs around town to make money.  It keeps us in dog food but that's about it.  (Oh I forgot to mention I got two puppies in early February, when I was actually working.  More about them later!). 

As far as my health goes it seems that medically everything is on the mend and I'm hoping it stays that way.  My weight is a different story.  Last year I ended the year around 268 lbs having lost almost sixty pounds.  As of right now I'm sitting at around 316 lbs, that's 10 pounds away from where I started last year.  Just writing that down makes me want to break down.  I can't tell you how disappointed I am that things have turned out this way and that I've let myself go backwards after I swore that I wouldn't.  I don't have excuses but I can tell you that not having a steady income is a huge contribution to my weight gain.  I've relied on what friends and family can give me and my VERY limited income in order to eat.  As much as I would love to be able to afford fresh fruits and veggies, i just haven't been able to.  As you can imagine, I've been eating a lot of low cost, processed foods to get by.  NOT how I imagined my life going by any means.  On top of that, all the muscle I had put on last year is GONE.  Because I've been laid up so much this year I haven't had the strength to keep lifting weights and my muscle is just gone.  My legs, which used to be really really strong and super muscular, are now these puny, weak things.  It makes me super sad!

I'm hopeful that things are starting to turn around.   Like I mentioned earlier, I've landed a job that is more money than I've made in a long time and has amazing benefits.  Sure, it's a month a way but I've been making due so far so I'm hoping I can keep it up until then.  I've started going on walks in the evenings with my puppies (gone are the days of running-at least for now), and I've been trying to eat healthier.  I do try to buy veggies, though I can't always afford the fresh ones.  Instead I buy frozen fruits and veggies when I can.  They're not always the most edible but they're definitely better than canned or going without.

I've faced some pretty major set backs this year and I've struggled with some really difficult situations.  Though I've slid backward a bit I'm not giving up.  I'll get where I'm meant to be eventually and though it's slow going right now I'm still determined to get there.  I try not to focus too much  on what I've lost but instead try to stay concentrated on what I'm working to gain.  If I didn't then I would probably give up before I got started again.

Bottom line-Life happens and we all face setbacks.  Keep your head high and keep pushing forward.  

"Never, never, never give up!"- Winston Churchill