Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A Most Difficult (Long) Post

I really wish I was coming back with some really amazing news about all the fun things that have been happening in my life lately.  However much I wish I could say that, it's just not true.  I don't have the best news-but it could always be worse, right?

I guess I'll start by saying that I'm no longer engaged.  I don't really want to go into a super lot of detail because it is an extremely personal story.  I did love Tim with my whole heart and I believe he loved me.  Sometimes no matter how much you love someone it just isn't enough.  In the end we both wanted different things and we got tired of trying to force the other one to see our point of view.  We decided that we make better friends than we would spouses.  I can tell you that as soon as we decided to call off the wedding we were both pretty much instantly happier.  We haven't argued since and we still see each other quite a bit-as friends only.

Don't get me wrong, it's been an adjustment.  It's hard to go from being in love with someone to being just friends.  Those feelings don't just shut themselves off.  I know that I've made the right decision and it helps in those tough spots to remember that.  We just weren't right as a couple.  We're closer now for having tried a relationship-at least we don't have to always wonder "what if".  It may not have worked out between us but by ending things on a good note I still get to keep my best friend. 

I will say that this process has not been so simple and easy.  There has been a lot of tears, sadness, hurt, anger, and depression for the last little bit.  I'm finally feeling like I'm in a good place and I can start to move on but the process getting here was very difficult.  Towards the last little bit of our relationship and even after it as a pretty stressful time in my life.  I'm not proud to say that I didn't handle things as well as I should have.  I got so distracted by my relationship and then afterwards that I quit caring about my health and my eating.  I started eating crap again. 

I'm such an emotional eater and during my relationship and the subsequent break-up I ate a lot of junk.  I run to food anytime I'm feeling down.  I know this about myself but at the time I didn't really think about it.  I just did it.  After we broke up there was a period of time that I felt sorry for myself.  I went from planning a wedding to not but I was still getting all these emails from bride shops and I was seeing all kinds of wedding stuff.  I had to call and cancel appointments.  It was really not a fun time in my life and I felt like there was this giant void inside of me.  So . . . I filled it with junk.  Pastries, fried food, take out, and so much more.  It was not good. 

The worst part:  I've gained back 20 of the pounds I worked so hard to lose.  It's extremely frustrating to see how far I've let this affect me.  And not just me.  My family started eating like crap as well and we've all gained weight.  It's not just the pounds either.  We just don't have any energy anymore.  My muscle mass has gone way down, I get headaches more often now, I have no energy to do anything, and I'm tired ALL the time.  I know it's directly related to the food I've been eating.  The difference is night and day.  I was going to post pictures of where we're at now but I can't bring myself to do it.  I can't hardly bring myself to look in the mirror anymore.  And the only way to change it is to fix it.

So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to fix it and I'm doing it today.  I'm going to stop eating the junk and I'm going back on my meal plans.  I'm going to stop eating processed foods and instead concentrate on whole foods.  I'm going back to the gym.  I really lost sight of my goals these past couple of months.  It's not fun admitting that I've failed but it's even worse to say that I've given up.  I refuse to give up.  I just have to learn better coping skills for when life gets rough.  You know it's bound too.  I guess this time has been a great example of what not to do next time.  I know next time something major like this happens I'll be able to handle it much differently. 

So now you know where I've been and what I've been doing.  I can guarantee that my next posts will be much happier and filled with way better food choices.  I hope you stick it out with me!

2 comments:

  1. I often wonder why, when stressed and overwrought, our faulty brains reach out for the least-nourishing foodstuffs. Nobody ever got down on themselves and said, "I'm gonna eat a big salad." I'm a couple of weeks back into transitioning to a more healthy diet and daily exercise and I'm already feeling worlds better. Sorry about the setbacks in your life, but pat yourself on the back for catching yourself before you back-slid too far. You've got this!

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    1. Thanks for the words of encouragement Jack! I can't wait to start eating healthy again-I know I'll feel tons better as soon as I clean my system out!

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