Saturday, January 25, 2014

Guess What Day It Is??

So today is the day that we "officially" start over.  That basically means we all did our weigh in's this morning, we're meal planning again, and we're throwing out all the junk that has somehow found it's way back into our house.

I really couldn't be more ready to stop eating junk.  I can't tell you how crappy I feel because of all the processed junk I've been eating.  It truly makes a difference in my body.  I'm almost always tired, my back aches if I stand too long, my blood sugars are higher, I never have energy to do anything.  I feel sick a lot of the time with tummy cramps and pains and I feel like crap all the time.  I'm tired of it and I'm ready to move on to healthier and greener things.

We are trying to stay away from simple carbs and processed foods.  We're throwing out the soda and sugary crap we've been eating.  No more chips, candy, pastries, movie theater popcorn, dressings, sauces, or anything of that nature.  To be honest, I don't even think I've eaten a piece of real fruit in, at the very least, a month.  It's about time to change all that. 

We're also going to start working out again!  I've renewed my gym membership and I'm ready to get back to it.  I can't wait to feel the pain of building muscle again!  Today we are going to sit down and write out our meal plans and our workout routine so we know what we are going to be doing.  I do better when I plan ahead and know what to expect.  When I wing it is when I tend to fail.  Knowing that about myself is going to help me prevent failures.

The only thing that I'm having trouble deciding is whether or not to allow myself a "cheat" item (not a whole day, just one thing) once a week.  I used to think that it wasn't a good idea but then whenever I had a craving for frozen yogurt, or a candy bar, a donut, or whatever it might be, if I gave in and ate it then I would have so much guilt about it.  That would eventually lead me to binging.  Now I'm wondering if it wouldn't be a good idea to let myself splurge one day a week on one thing that isn't in my diet plan.  Like popcorn at the movies, or a donut, or whatever.  I don't know if this would be more harmful for me or if I should just try and avoid these foods altogether.  My worry is that if I tell myself I can't have these things than I'll just want them all the more.  It's really part of what happened to me before.  When I finally gave in and started eating those things then I just went crazy and ate it ALL.  I don't want to do that again.

What would your advice be?  To have a "cheat" item once a week or to avoid it at all cost?

So, I'm ready to get started.  I weighed in this morning at 291.2.  I almost cried when I saw that number, it's been so long since I've been there.  I'm excited to start going the other direction again.    

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

A Most Difficult (Long) Post

I really wish I was coming back with some really amazing news about all the fun things that have been happening in my life lately.  However much I wish I could say that, it's just not true.  I don't have the best news-but it could always be worse, right?

I guess I'll start by saying that I'm no longer engaged.  I don't really want to go into a super lot of detail because it is an extremely personal story.  I did love Tim with my whole heart and I believe he loved me.  Sometimes no matter how much you love someone it just isn't enough.  In the end we both wanted different things and we got tired of trying to force the other one to see our point of view.  We decided that we make better friends than we would spouses.  I can tell you that as soon as we decided to call off the wedding we were both pretty much instantly happier.  We haven't argued since and we still see each other quite a bit-as friends only.

Don't get me wrong, it's been an adjustment.  It's hard to go from being in love with someone to being just friends.  Those feelings don't just shut themselves off.  I know that I've made the right decision and it helps in those tough spots to remember that.  We just weren't right as a couple.  We're closer now for having tried a relationship-at least we don't have to always wonder "what if".  It may not have worked out between us but by ending things on a good note I still get to keep my best friend. 

I will say that this process has not been so simple and easy.  There has been a lot of tears, sadness, hurt, anger, and depression for the last little bit.  I'm finally feeling like I'm in a good place and I can start to move on but the process getting here was very difficult.  Towards the last little bit of our relationship and even after it as a pretty stressful time in my life.  I'm not proud to say that I didn't handle things as well as I should have.  I got so distracted by my relationship and then afterwards that I quit caring about my health and my eating.  I started eating crap again. 

I'm such an emotional eater and during my relationship and the subsequent break-up I ate a lot of junk.  I run to food anytime I'm feeling down.  I know this about myself but at the time I didn't really think about it.  I just did it.  After we broke up there was a period of time that I felt sorry for myself.  I went from planning a wedding to not but I was still getting all these emails from bride shops and I was seeing all kinds of wedding stuff.  I had to call and cancel appointments.  It was really not a fun time in my life and I felt like there was this giant void inside of me.  So . . . I filled it with junk.  Pastries, fried food, take out, and so much more.  It was not good. 

The worst part:  I've gained back 20 of the pounds I worked so hard to lose.  It's extremely frustrating to see how far I've let this affect me.  And not just me.  My family started eating like crap as well and we've all gained weight.  It's not just the pounds either.  We just don't have any energy anymore.  My muscle mass has gone way down, I get headaches more often now, I have no energy to do anything, and I'm tired ALL the time.  I know it's directly related to the food I've been eating.  The difference is night and day.  I was going to post pictures of where we're at now but I can't bring myself to do it.  I can't hardly bring myself to look in the mirror anymore.  And the only way to change it is to fix it.

So that's what I'm going to do.  I'm going to fix it and I'm doing it today.  I'm going to stop eating the junk and I'm going back on my meal plans.  I'm going to stop eating processed foods and instead concentrate on whole foods.  I'm going back to the gym.  I really lost sight of my goals these past couple of months.  It's not fun admitting that I've failed but it's even worse to say that I've given up.  I refuse to give up.  I just have to learn better coping skills for when life gets rough.  You know it's bound too.  I guess this time has been a great example of what not to do next time.  I know next time something major like this happens I'll be able to handle it much differently. 

So now you know where I've been and what I've been doing.  I can guarantee that my next posts will be much happier and filled with way better food choices.  I hope you stick it out with me!