Monday, July 1, 2013
My Way Of Life
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted to run. In high school I would look at all my peers running around the track during P.E. and I could only walk it. I was embarrassed to be heard breathing hard, or grunting with exertion. Sweating made me feel dirty and disgusting. I used these, not only as excuses, but crutches to avoid any and all exercise.
Since starting my journey to a healthier lifestyle I've known for some time that regular exercise had to be part of it. It's the regular part that gets me because I've never regularly done anything, except eat. Honestly, I was dreading the workouts and a lot of it was because of embarrassment. I've gone to the gym before and I've worked out but I've always kept my workout safe. You know the ones: taking some type of class, walking on the treadmill, swimming in the pool (usually with an over-sized t-shirt on). It was about keeping my body hidden and not really exerting myself. I was terrified to have people look at me and see me sweating or grunting. I think a large part could be attributed to the fact that I didn't know how to work out. I didn't know how to lift weights or what kinds of exercises to do. So the combination of being embarrassed and self-conscious of looking bad was just too much and usually squashed any motivation I had to work out.
Meeting Breeze, AT THE GYM, and asking him to be my personal fitness guru was a huge step for me. I mean, I was talking about working out in front of a man. Never ever would I have done that before. When we first started I was embarrassed and I wanted to half ass some of the exercise because I was afraid of looking like a fool. He wouldn't let me and eventually I got to a place where I was getting more and more comfortable doing the exercises. I'm not saying that everyday I don't have to push myself to get past my embarrassment when he has me trying something new but I do it and I'm always grateful because I did. Only once did I absolutely refuse to do something because I was embarrassed and afraid of looking like an idiot. He let me get away with it, because I absolutely wouldn't do it, and I've never felt worse about myself than I did at that moment. I've never let myself quit again. Fear is what got me to 326 pounds and I refuse to let it keep me there.
On Sunday I went jogging for the first time since my high school P.E. class. I jogged for half a mile and I didn't stop once. That may not seem like any great length to you but for me it was a huge success. Building up my endurance and strength and keeping on a regular workout schedule has made a huge difference and being able to go jogging showed me just how much progress I've made. I huffed and puffed and grunted my way through every second of that jog too. I felt no embarrassment, only pride in my accomplishment. Today I did it again. I will continue to do it and eventually I'll go farther and for longer. This is my new way of life and exercise will be a part of it.
So my message to you is this: get over your embarrassment and just do it. Go to the gym and exercise. Get a personal trainer if you need one, look up some exercises online, get a workout video. Whatever you decide to do just do it and keep doing it! Don't stop because it's hard. You're body will be grateful and you'll be surprised at how much it can endure. I know how you feel, I've been there. You won't regret it if you do it.