Thursday, July 25, 2013

Are you a self-doubter?

This topic has really been preying on my mind lately and here's why:  I'm a big self doubter.  I've realized recently that my go to phrase is Can't.  I can't do it.  I say that all the time and I know it's because I believe it.  It's holding me back from a healthy lifestyle, it's holding me back from having confidence in myself, and it's holding me back from the things that will give me joy.

I notice I have a lot of self doubt when I'm working out.  I tell myself all the time, "you can't run a mile, you can't lift that 45 pound weight, you can't do a push up".  It's my go to saying EVERY TIME and every time I usually try to give up on what I'm doing, or worse, quit before I even start.  I don't push myself to lift heavier weights because I never thought I could.  I didn't push myself to run-never even entered my mind-because I always told myself that was something I could never do.  It's sad to realize that these were my expectations of myself.

My last blog post I talk about getting a new job.  I was excited about this job because it had all the things that I told myself I needed.  Good pay, great benefits, and help with tuition so I wouldn't be putting myself in big debt.  All great things right?  Absolutely.  It was also working in a small call center for the college helping with student services.  I told myself back when I left DHL that I would never work in a call center again.  I was tired of not being able to see natural sunlight and being stuck on my butt tied to a phone all day.  Well I threw that out the window for the benefits this new job would offer me.  As you might expect, I was miserable from the first day.  I stayed there simply for the benefits.  I didn't want to be there, I didn't want to do the job and I didn't want to work for the people who hired me.  I was losing sleep, I was missing workouts, and my healthy eating was deteriorating because I was unhappy.  (All this in one week mind you.)  What else could I do though?  I needed the job and they paid well.

On Sunday, Breeze came over for one of our weekly workouts and we talked about this job.  I told him how unhappy I was there and how badly I wanted to do something else.  So he gave me a chance to change that and do something I so badly wanted to do-go to work for him.  Here's the kicker, and really what I'm talking about, I almost turned it down because of self doubt.

I started telling myself, you can't do this.  You're going to let them down.  You're not mature enough for this job, you're not a good enough writer, you don't know what you're doing, you CAN'T  do this and you are going to fail.  I almost let self doubt turn me away from a job that could turn into a career, give me some great experience, and most of all - make me happy.  All of this because I doubt myself.

Think about this in your own life as it applies to you.  Has self doubt got in the way of you reaching for the things you want the most?  Do you sit back, afraid to try something because you doubt you can do it?  I do.  I still struggle with stepping outside of myself and trusting that I CAN do something and be successful at it.  It's a process that's going to take some time to change but one I am desperately working on.  I am going to change my cants into cans.  I'm working on eliminating can't from my vocabulary and I push myself, with the help of Breeze and his family, to go farther and longer when I work out.  I've quite my new job to go work for Breeze, and even if it doesn't work out, I will have tried-my own self doubt be damned.

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